>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
December 7, 2005

Read more snippets...Luke: Ten Marines died today in Iraq.
Nathan: Suicide bombing is really catching on over there.
Luke: Yeah, well, it’s still better than that whole country music movement we got going on over here.
Nathan: Oh yeah, how was your line dancing date?
Luke: Fuck you.

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day, the day that sparked the US involvement in World War II and the resulting rise of the United States as the world’s largest super power, I’m taking this opportunity to write about the current US situation in Iraq and explain how my new war slogans will improve this, the best war ever. If you think you smell sarcasm, don’t worry, that’s actually just a new food I’m working on: deep fried, chocolate-covered bacon rolls. (Side note: I’m writing a diet book based on the idea that we should all avoid any foods that come in a box. I’m calling it, “Think Outside the Box, Fatso.”)

Anyway, here are three fresh slogans that could really kick this little Iraq get together into full gear. The voices in my head are telling me to get this out of my system. Bad things could happen otherwise. Bad things.

“Fuck the Troops, Support the War”

We all support our troops. Even those pot smoking hippies support the troops (because they don’t have to support the war to do it). The problem is that the troops don’t need our support. They signed up. They’re committed. It’s the war that’s getting unpopular, not the troops. Because of this, I have started a new campaign that supports the war and not the soldiers. I feel that, aided by lower quality equipment and longer terms of deployment, more soldiers would die quicker and thus (as more soldiers become angry about losing their comrades in arms) we can further fuel the person-to-person hatred that makes war the productive bloodbath we all love watching on CNN. I totally want the war to happen, but the troops…quite frankly they’re getting a little soft. This is why I am starting a new campaign called

Fuck the Troops, Support the War.” Our car magnet ribbons will be taupe because everyone loves taupe.

“Free the Iraqis to Death”

We needed to free the Iraqi people because they were suffering under the tyrannical rule of Saddam Hussein. Now, the US captured Saddam about a year ago, but the Iraqi people are still not free. We need to help free the Iraqis by protecting them from the terrorist regimes that will surely rise to power if not for American soldiers running around killing people. Iraq needs to be free. This is why we’re ruling them with Kevlar clad fist. And if you have a problem understanding this, maybe I should point out all of the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, or the role Iraq played in 9/11, or the fact that they once tried to kill our President’s dad. Also, the Iraqi people really smell funny. And nothing smells better than freedom. Except of course for deep fried, chocolate-covered bacon rolls. You know the old saying, “If you love someone, set them free”? Yeah, well the antithesis to that is, “If you want to free someone, shoot them in the face.” In honor of this tamper-proof logic, I am starting a new campaign called, “Free the Iraqis to Death.” Our car magnet ribbons are gonna be olive because I like martinis.

“Let NATO Do Everything”

Okay, let’s think about this. The three most poorly-operated segments of industry in America are the airlines, the department of motor vehicles, and the post office. All three of these industry segments hire only the most dimwitted, slow-operating, booger-eating nimrods. Also, all three of these organizations are either government owned, government represented, or government regulated. Well, clearly the government needs to be given a chance to improve and expand. If we could just let representatives of all the governments of the world sit in a bunch of long meetings and argue for a while, I’m sure they could wrap up this little Iraq problem in a few weeks. I mean, what’s more productive and adept than a joint-government committee? Think about all the great things NATO has done to promote world socialism. I’m sorry, I meant world peace. NATO promotes world peace. I don’t even know what socialism means. Honestly. At any rate, NATO’s the shit. They should be telling everyone what to do. After all, the very definition of freedom is NATO. NATO is still meeting to decide what color their car magnet ribbons will be. We should know in six to eight months.

So, to recap, in order to improve the United States’ position in the coolest war ever, we first need to actually support the war and not focus so much of our energy on the troops, who, quite frankly, have it way better than my dad did in Vietnam, or than my granddad had it in WWII (although my great-granddad had it pretty sweet in WWI because he owned thirty different Russian prostitutes, but we can’t all be that lucky). Then we need to make sure that we free as many Iraqis as we can in the most liberating way possible: by killing them. Nothing is as free as a soul escaping a body. Everyone knows this. And finally, if we just let NATO do everything for us, none of the world’s citizens will have to think in the slightest, and we can all just kick back and rest in the comfortable knowledge that a joint-government organization is looking out for the benefit of all of humanity (without ulterior motives or anything).

So, in honor of Pearl Harbor Day, I ask you all to take a few moments out of your life and make a moment of silence for the War in Iraq, its noble beginnings, its logical direction, and most importantly, the chance it creates for the US to build a puppet regime in an oil rich nation.

God bless the USA. Oh yeah, and bless my deep fried, chocolate-covered bacon rolls, too. And big breasts. Regardless of nationality, you gotta bless the boobs.