>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
September 18, 2005
One of the greatest aspects of humanity is that we are all unique. Like an over-zealous ice cream shop, we come in various flavors, toppings, and sizes. But that doesn’t mean we’re all equal. Some flavors come with big nuts, lots of cherries, and the ability to impress women flavors. Others, like me, are sprinkled. It is a sad fate, that I could possibly escape if I didn’t constantly harp on it in my lame internet column.
The peculiarity is that losers are on a winning streak recently. Everyone’s jumping on the bandwagon. Girls are saying they love nerds, and guys are pulling out the old LEGOS as proof of the vintage geek within. And it’s all good to see the underdogs win, but a nerd gone Hollywood is really just a popular kid with Vans on. I’m sorry, what were you saying? I couldn’t hear you over my latest Weezer CD.
So here I am, cashing in on that fad, appealing to the down-trodden. Are all my tales of rejection and failure mere fabrications? I do have a love for Star Wars, and made straight A’s in high schools, but that was because I had so much time to do homework on the sideline at my football games. I could be playing you all for fools while lady-ing it up behind the scenes.
But here’s where it all went SCHLONG… see how I did that?
Oh geez my life sucks, I wonder if there’s some way I could validate my existence by letting people laugh at me. Everything about my life is just sooo hard: talking to girls, fitting in, my boner while I talk to girls. Normal everyday activities become a gauntlet of pressure and self-doubt. Going against the stream? Hell, I’m going against the ocean…in a canoe, made of wood. Oh crap, here’s another boner. And all you wanted was to have a normal conversation with this cutie, but now everything is awkward. So you’re there trying to run your game, but she’s playing games with you. You’re rolling doubles and making your move, taking a chance, but don’t break the ICE! Suddenly she say’s SORRY! That’s LIFE. This is stressful. You’re hard as a board… game.
Looks like someone's trying too SOFT!
Things don’t have to be this way. If you’d just act normal for once, things would flow as they should, maybe even show her that you write for Points In Case. Nobody wants to read about it going off without a hitch, so you over-analyze and create some humor out of your pain. You try to get in girls’ heads instead of just plain getting head. The only one stopping you is you, but you should be proud of yourself.
You’ve become one hell of a cock block.
The Hair Way
If ever anyone somehow turned a glaring genetic turn-off and knack for self-promotion into one of his strengths it was you. You were looking for ways to overcome your less-than-endearing physical endowments and decided to hype them up rather than change them. A gag-worthy amount of body hair became a source of pride for you, and then you took it a step further by narcissistically falling in love with yourself. Now everyone loves taking a few photos, but when a photographer becomes his own favorite subject, something is amiss. So you like you for who you are, that’s great. You made a stance on your facial hair, and stuck to it, asserting that you will not pander to those who wish you’d change. But now that you’ve done so and noticed the lack of women, you realized that all along you secretly wished people would rally behind you. You drew your line in the mud, and nobody crossed with you. Are you finished? Because that clean-shaven guy just did it with that hot girl… Oh wait, nevermind, looks like they’re going again. “Should I shave?” you ask yourself, and of course the answer is no.
Because that’s only one of your many flaws you’ve chosen to ignore.
Oh that was cute. So there you are, squeezing out the weight of your soul for an ounce of recognition and “Mikey, you are a genius” in your comment box. Is it worth it? Oh yeah, definitely, that’s just how you are, right? You’re a laugh-a-minute joke machine, and everyone’s digging it…6 feet deep to be exact. You will go your whole life without anyone really knowing who you are, but at least they know who you aren’t: someone with any self-esteem. Oh you’re ALL about the funny, talking about mundane things, dressing up like a tramp, making fun of making fun. Where do you come up with this stuff? Actually we know that one: in your room alone.
So your column is dripping with humor, nobody knows where you’re going with it. You could throw in a pun or overtly sexual joke at any turn. Sometimes you take it as far as an extended conceit, driving the joke way past its 100,000 mile mark. You’re going into humor overdrive and things are heating up, better get a lube job soon or else you’ll blow some gaskets. People are giving you the red light, but you blow right past them. They just don’t know how to drive a stick, you tell them… of course referring to your penis. You have a repressed sex drive that pokes through everything from your writing to the window in your boxers. But as long as you joke about it, everything will stay funny and you can continue on with your own brand of internet therapy.
But you still have that boner.
Wolverine: Wait a minute, why are we here?
God: If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that…
Girl: Oh my you, Mikey’s using us for the end of the column thing.
Funny: He and I have a lot in common.
Han Solo: Naked photos and sexual jokes are no match for a good blaster at your side.
Mikey: So, who wants to make out?
The Rock 'em, Mock 'em Col 'em Series – Consider yourself roasted. Conceited Monotony (Justin Rebello)
Drama'Coaster of Drama (Simonne Cullen)
Everything But Content (Mike Forest)
Verbal Purges (Nathan DeGraaf)
Sex Last Night (Ali Wisch)
The Hard On (Mikey on himself)