>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
September 11, 2005

We’ve all done it before: bumped uglies, with various partners. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes we can’t even remember. The point is, sex is not a big deal. In fact sometimes it’s a small deal. That’s when you gather all your stuff and head for the door. I’m just tired of people blowing things out of proportion, like Mr. Tiny I hooked up with…or was he a fuck buddy. Whatever, the point is I had sex last night.

So there you are, hazily trying to piece together why you and this guy got together. You spot an empty bottle of cheap wine, a pair of your tightest, low-cut jeans, and your daily planner opened up to last night with “Get Laid” scribbled in and checked off. It’s all coming back to you. Except you can’t seem to shake off your buzz just yet. All the words around the room look distorted and illegible. A moment of clarity emerges and you are reassured by the fact that you are not just any other slut. You are a slut – In Spain.

Waking up without a boy in my bed? Where am I? Is this

Hell…or Spain?

Now of course you have to do the dreaded walk…the walk of shame back to your condo. Your clothes carry the fine fragrance of two kinds of sweat, three kinds of alcohol, and four kinds of sex. Your hair is a tangled mess, and you wish you could forget what happened to it the previous night…. Oh wait you did, thanks to the booze…. Nevermind, now you remember, the same thing happened last week. In fact this whole situation is so familiar that I call it the Walk of Same.

And when it comes down to it, what other options do you have? Asking the guy to walk you home? That, like his hair fixation, only leads to a clingy mess. Believe me, I would love to have someone help me make the broken heel trek back to my place, but I get enough support from my bra…when I don’t lose it at your place. And why are pants so hard to put on the morning after? I mean you’d think they’d stretch a little after the guy worked his way into them.

I don’t know what’s clingier, my shower curtain as I try to wash away the strongest scent tied to memory (despite having no actual memory of the event), or the guy who keeps calling me after an obvious one-time fling. You know the type, the one who’s in for a long-term commitment despite his short-term endowment. The one who talks about “next time” when you’re pretty sure it was his “first time.” The one who turns out to be a big softie, and the night before was no exception. Talk about a downer…. No don’t GET UP, I’ll let myself out. Maybe there was too much outside pressure, or not enough inside. Whatever happened to the boner?

Now depending on how far you live from your latest home away from home, you’re going to get hungry on the return trip. That’s when you realize you have no money. The worst part is you can’t remember if this is because you’re in college or if something devastating happened the night before. Did you get mugged by some guy in the alley? Did you blow all your money on alcohol? Did you blow some guy in the alley? If you end up with more money than you started, then you’ve just added a new relationship level to your collection: Desperate man and Street Hooker – In Spain.

There are ways to save money, however. For instance, I don’t even have a bed in my apartment. There’s really no need. I don’t sleep there. Food is another thing. While we’d all like to dine at fancy bistros, I’d advise against it. You’re going to vomit it up anyway. And you’re going to need your energy. You’ve got two people to please tonight because Mr. Flimsy isn’t going to cut it.

Clothes are another thing. Ladies, why do we spend so much money on fashion when it all looks the same crumpled on the floor. There is a free supply of clothing awaiting you. It’s called boy’s t-shirts in the morning. Every time I hook up, I always manage to steal an article of clothing. There was even one time I was wearing another guy’s shirt on my way to get freaky. I liked my new guy’s shirt better than the one I had on so I swapped out. Later he called to thank me for returning his favorite tee. Turns out I had rocked him before and forgotten – In Spain!

Now complain all you want about my habits, but I’m not going to change. The only thing you can make sure to do is lady-proof your room to keep girls like me out. Try hanging up some really dorky shit on the walls. Although eventually a girl is going to find that pathetically cute and pity-ride you. You might also want to try respecting us, because that will drive us away in a heartbeat. But if you want to absolutely guarantee that I won’t end up in your room, have me sign over all publishing rights to the events that transpire there. I have a weekly column to maintain, people.

The Rock 'em, Mock 'em Col 'em Series – Consider yourself roasted.
Conceited Monotony (Justin Rebello)
Drama'Coaster of Drama (Simonne Cullen)
Everything But Content (Mike Forest)
Verbal Purges (Nathan DeGraaf)
Sex Last Night (Ali Wisch)
The Hard On (Mikey on himself)