>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
January 30, 2005

Nobody likes gross people. In fact, some of society's most shallow and wicked standards favor those who bathe and brush regularly. That's why you always clean up before going on a date. Now men may not be the most hygienic gender around, but ladies I believe there are more subtle ways to convey your feelings other than projectile vomit. Why do you have to be so judgmental? Dirt is a natural occurrence, it sticks to us, binds with us. It just wants to be close to us, baby! Maybe it's time we let go of our fascist need for cleanliness, and just plain GET DIRTY!

But it takes two to tango, eh guys? Yeah I think we can do our part and try to evolve in this civilized era. As hard as it may be, I know… TRUST ME… I know. Some days you just don't want to shower, and the excuses are rampant: "It's too early in the morning… I'm too busy right now… I'm going to wait until after I rub one out… just in case it gets out of hand."

However, this is just one of games where women made the rules. Others they control include House and "What's wrong? Nothing!" Don't worry men, we invented Twister and Mooning.

But here's where it all went wrong.

Suds and Such

Combining hygiene rituals can save time, but also requires high multitasking ability

If your girl ever complains about your smell, greasy hair, or the fact that your entire body is coated with a moist layer of sweat, give her a nice big hug. Really rub in that essence on her, because that whore's been talking to pretty boys who know what a loofa is. And your musk is going to keep them at bay. Also you might consider taking a shower. If you're smooth, you can suggest that the two of you "go get dirty while you're getting clean." She might not understand you if she's a ditz so inform her that you're talking about Shower Luvin'. "Huh?" I WANT TO BONE YOU WHILE YOU SCRUB MY BACK! However, if you're jagged, you won't have a girl to begin with, and your brother will probably comment on your filth. At that point call him gay for even acknowledging the presence of another male. A fight to establish dominance will ensue. I suggest you not lose for the winner receives territory marking rights. An then you'll really need a shower. Anyways hop in, scrub all the necessary spots, and then shake like a dog to dry. Please be careful to not dick slap your own thighs.

Or in my case, I have to watch my ankles.

A Hairy Situation

Remember how excited you were when you were 13 and hair started sprouting in various places. Boy was that fun! You would mark it's growth, and fertilize and water it, hoping it would come just a little fuller. WELL CONGRATS, because now your wish came true… about 6 times over in fact. At first you thought maybe it was just god's way of reminding you to do the sign of the cross. Face, crotch, armpit, armpit. Awww, thank you Lord and Savior! But then he went a little overboard and drew the cross out all the way, and then extended it to your back like some kind of cross vest. Right now I've got full priest robes made entirely of hair. Okay I'm joking, it's not that bad… yet, but you may need to take precautionary action. When your clingy girlfriend gives you a hug, and your hair clings back, that's a little too much. But don't shave people OH NO NO, you're bound to get a couple ingrown hairs or even breasts that way. Just trim it a little if you feel so obliged. Personally I'm not ashamed of my hair. And some girls even go for that sort of thing. A nice little treasure trail will have her leading to your pot of gold.

Or in my case a treasure six-lane highway.

Tonsil Hockey Trouble

The scenario: your honey won't give you any sugar. She's playing hard defense and won't let you score, but your team captain (in your pants) is high-sticking like mad. Why is she being like this? She says you need a Zamboni or something, but you try to kiss her anyway. TWEET, three minutes in the box! AWESOME! No the penalty box. AWWWW! (Did I get the terms right, Justin?) It's because you haven't brushed in a while, and girls get all… girly over stuff like that. It's about as silly as wigging out over… wigs. Now I'm no fan of brushing either, and forget flossing so here's some things that could possibly make your breath smell bad:

-Motor oil
-Cell phones
-Violence in the media
-Skipping church
-Reading Mike Forest's column
-Too much spyware could be slowing down your computer

Anyways you get the idea, girls down like guys with dirty mouths.

Or in my case, they do…

Mikey: Hey baby, want to play twister?
Girl: Wait, where's the spinner and mat.
Mikey: Shhh…it's okay just play along…. Right hand, breast…
Girl: You watch your mouth.
Mikey: I'm sorry, I meant right hand, tit.
Girl: Which one?