The men (yes, I’m using the term loosely) at PIC are all about helping our fellow man…get laid.

Well, that’s not technically true. We’re really just trying to get our own pants party started, but we also write because there is this burning desire (no, not herpes) to pour our souls out to the masses…and see if we can turn 800 words a week into some action of our own.

Nevertheless, Court, Mikey, Emmanuel, Amir and in his own way, Justin are here for you: the slouching, spitting, farting knuckledragger.

How do you turn a fine specimen of male road kill into the kind of self-reliant, babe-getting man that all male PIC writers embody?

It’s not an overnight thing (unless that’s all you want it to be, baby). It takes hours and maybe even decades to get as suave as you think you really are. However, being a man, I know the only things we care about are results results results, so I’ll go right to the end and work backwards.

The most important part of being a man: the bed you (and hopefully your entire cheerleading squad, but not ours because some of them are fugly) sleep in.

“If you make it, she will cum.”

“I recommend the Craftmatic Adjustable bed. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘sex sandwich.'”

I know that most nights the average male can’t distinguish his bed from a laundry pile, the floor of a New York City subway car or the dumpster outside an abortion clinic. When is last time you even thought to change the sheets much less buy new ones? It’s a daunting task; the fact is, like underwear, there is a lot more to them than just color.

Size does matter.

Sorry to those of you who just had heart attacks or committed suicide because you have tiny penises (penii?). I’ll elaborate. Make sure that you know what size your bed is if you want to buy sheets that fit. Sure, you could just buy king size everything and tuck it in, but remember how well that worked when you bought magnum-sized condoms, Dad?

If you’re still in the dorms, chances are you have an extra long twin bed. They have to make them that big in case you have a lanky beanpole for a roommate like I did freshman year. Ah, Dan, I don’t miss your three lame stories that I heard 18,765 times or the time you tried to catch me with a girl on my own webcam. I also won’t miss your girlfriend who shed hair and skin flakes all over the room.

If you’re in an apartment you’re probably sleeping on whatever bed you had when you were a kid—complete with Pac-Man bedding. By the way Tony, the race car bed was cool when you were 10 and became un-cool sometime before you turned 23.

I hope by now you have your bed size figured out, because there are more things to worry about…like thread count.

Basically, anything under a 750 thread count feels like burlap. Bums don’t even go below 300. It’s just inhumane. Bonus points if they have “sateen” or “shampoo” in the product description. My new sheets are made out of Pure Beech flannel cotton. I shit you not. They’re the most comfortable things I own. I think I’m going to start wearing them to class.

Get a flat and a fitted sheet, or better yet, buy them all together with a couple pillowcases. It’s like the extra value meal of bedding. Mine came with onion rings.

Are you on the wrong side of the blanket?

“Beech, what’s the difference between a blanket, throw, quilt, cover and duvet?”

The answer is simple: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They all do the same thing: play the part of the canvas in the tent you pitch every morning.

If you want to get technical, a “blanket” is only used by straight people, a “throw” is something that may or may not get to first in time to beat the runner, a “quilt” is something only a grandmother can make, a “cover” is what you do for your buddy when he cheats on his girlfriend (again) and a “duvet” is something that they talked about in Fight Club.

Better? Good.

“What about pillows?”

Make sure you have a lot of them so that when someone finally gets drunk enough to consent* to having sex with you, you can throw them (the pillows) all off the bed in a sexy and alluring manner. Stuffed animals do not count.

(*Note: We at PIC recognize that alcohol should not be used for consent and that the only way to get beyond our pre-conceived notions of gender roles and acceptable behavior is to stop writing sentences like the one above and try for a better understanding between the sexes…or use roofies.)

Now that we’ve taken care of the surface details, we can address the mattress. Is it too squeaky, broken, firm, soft, warm, cold, raw, overcooked or gritty? It’s time for a new mattress.

I recommend the Craftmatic Adjustable bed. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “sex sandwich.”

sex sandwich (secs sand-witch) n. 1. a sandwich you eat after sex, preferably with Dijon mustard 2. putting one person in between two others and having sexual relations 3. a sexual position only possible when you are being crushed by a motorized bed.

I’m also thinking about gettin’ me one of those beds made out of a material discovered by NASA.

Scientist 1: After spending $1.2 billion, I have finally created the perfect squishy foamy material for sleeping on!
Scientist 2: That project was scrapped to make room for the $3.1 trillion warm toilet seat project.
Scientist 1: But you can jump up and down on it and your wine won’t spill.
Scientist 2: Why are they drinking wine in space?
Scientist 1: Why not?
Scientist 2: Good point.

The company who makes these beads offers to send you a free sample. I’m going to request 20,000 of them and make my own bed. I’ll show them.

Now that you have the perfect place set up for them, the hot chicks will come-a-runnin'. Wait for it…wait for it…

Damn.

COMING SOON: IS “GREEN EGGS AND HAM” A SEXUAL METAPHOR?

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.