As I've stated multiple times, I have a strong dislike for the male gender as a whole. They smell, they make stupid comments, and they're inexplicably self-confident for no good reason. Seriously, if the idea of scissoring another chick turned me on at all, I'd be a lesbian.

Sad man with white shirt with money sign on itMost men are only good for one thing: sex. And even then, only a very small percentage are actually good at it. An even smaller percentage are good for conversation and contain actual substance. Then there are the select few who are just nice to look at and would make excellent boyfriends, so long as they never open their mouths for anything other than going down on you.

I have yet to understand why men act the way they do and why they seem to think the following behaviors are even remotely attractive.

Congratulations! You have money! 

Men seem to have this belief that if you have money (and even if you don't), you need to show off how much money you have (or how much money you want people to think you have). I'm not saying some women don't do the same thing—they do—but that's a topic for another column completely.

Don't try to talk to me at a red light. I am not a hooker; you are not going to pick me up on the side of a street. The following conversation took place at a table next to mine at a restaurant, between two men:

Douche #1: They offered me the job and I wanted to take it, but they didn't offer me as much money as I wanted and you know I'm accustomed to living a certain lifestyle.

Douche #2: Oh yeah man, I know what you mean. I bought this statue thing the other day at the mall just because I could. I don't even know what it's for!

Douche #1: That's awesome, bro!

Just the memory of that conversation makes me puke a little in my mouth. Don't ever, for any reason, use the word "bro" in a conversation. Ever. Seriously.

And clothing?

Ryan Gosling in a maroon suit

When men dress like this to show that they "have" money (and they all dress EXACTLY the same way), it only makes them less attractive. And if a woman is attracted to you, she is only interested in you because she thinks you have money. But if that's what you're going for, then mission accomplished. If I have to see one more guy wearing a blazer with jeans, my head might actually spontaneously combust.

Hey! Your car horn works! That's awesome!

Why do men honk at women? Why? Did this work for you at some point? Did you honk at some girl standing on a corner and she was so turned on by it that she had you meet her at the Shell on the corner for a quickie in the bathroom? Is this why you honk?

Do you seem to think I have zero self-esteem and when you honk at me and then yell lewd comments, my self-confidence sky rockets? Do you think my day is instantly better knowing that some asshole in a 1999 Toyota Corolla thinks I'm remotely attractive enough to take the effort to press his hand to his steering wheel to produce a sound?

Car of guys honking at a woman jogging on the street

Stop fucking honking. Don't try to talk to me at a red light. Don't slow down so our cars are even with each other on the highway so you can try to get my attention. It is not attractive; it is creepy and makes you look like some type sexual offender who I will probably see ten years from now walking into a kitchen only to be met by Chris Hansen. I am not a hooker; you are not going to pick me up on the side of a street.

You can use big words! Good for you!

I recently received my first rape threat in which someone said if they ever found me, they'd rape me. Rape, as we all know, is not about sex so much as power. And if I learned anything from watching the 90's hit television show Home Improvement, it's that men love power. (I also learned that Jonathon Taylor Thomas was bangable even at the tender age of 12.)

I usually ignore juvenile comments I receive from boys who like to remind me that "women aren't funny" or "you're just a pair of tits." Does saying these things make you feel like a man? I don't understand the need to ask me to see my chest; do you honestly believe I will show you? You will never see my breasts. In fact, the only pair of breasts you probably see on a regular basis are on the screen of your computer, while you pleasure yourself with your right hand.

Threatening a woman by saying you will force yourself on her does not make you a man. It makes you a little boy with mommy issues. Reducing a woman to a feature on her body does not make you a man. It makes you an asshole who has probably never actually gotten a woman off because you're so busy trying to take care of your own needs, which you probably do within the first five minutes. Calling a woman a "whore," "cunt," or "slut" does not make you a man. It makes you an insecure prick who probably couldn't get it up even if I did show you my boobs.

Men have an incredibly backwards way of behaving towards women that, for some reason unbeknownst to me, they seem to think will get them somewhere. Namely, in a girl's pants. If your behavior seems to be working for you, then hey, keep at it! Because if you're getting laid on a regular basis, then you could probably care less about any of what I've just said. Chances are, you're probably not getting laid on a regular basis. Not legally, anyway.

There is hope for you, males of the world; most women have acknowledged your inferiority, taken pity on you, and accepted the fact that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And this, boys, is what is referred to as "settling."

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