>>> Fringe Benefits
By staff writer J.M. Lucci
September 19, 2007

From the Book of Preacher Lorenzo Jaxson of the 32nd Street Southern Baptist Church, Chapter 31, Verses 24-26

If a man and a woman have sex, it shall be deemed heterosexual. If two members of the same gender have sex, it shall be deemed homosexual, and, if the members are both female and good-looking, let a third member, regardless of gender, record the event for posterity and jubilation.

To begin, a “pornoisseur” is a connoisseur of pornography, a specialized elitist in the field that does more than just pump the Super Soaker to naked women. He/she must also prefer a certain genre of the erotica, and be well-versed in such a field, beyond that of the average human; the difference between the pornoisseur and average male/female or pervert is the pornoisseur appreciates and approaches the material with an inquisitive mind—able to, on-the-fly, identify the myriad of positions, genres, and celebrities of the business.

But unlike the industry leaders, a pornoisseur is more a critic than a participant, deciphering the logic behind two chicks kissing, then going to “the rabbit,” then to the strap-on, and finally, a mutual but obviously fake orgasm using a double dildo.

I cannot take credit for introducing the title into the vernacular. I was deemed a “pornoisseur” by one of my academic colleagues back during my sophomore year, in recognition of my ability to watch porn and actively critique the actors and script with fervor, instead of merely enjoying the piece as is. Coupled with, purportedly, “an unnecessarily large collection of porn,” (their words not mine) I earned the title. There’s your history lesson for the day.

“I always wonder about the cameramen in porn. Do they get any action after the shoot?”

Adult erotic cinema, commonly known as “pornography,” “porno,” porn,” or “the express ticket to Hell,” is considered a luxury of age by the government. The truth, however, is that porn is the most-viewed form of entertainment starting at the tender age of 13 for men, and 14 for women. And why, you ask? Because without it, we’d have to resort to our mind’s imagination, and knowing the proletariat as I do, the number of sex crimes would exponentially jump if the populace did not have their routine visual dose of the naughty bits. Consider it a check on our sanity’s balance.

Every day that I load up the Internet and casually cruise down Porn Avenue in my beat-up ’83 Volvo station wagon, I allow my mind some time to ponder the intricacies of the business. Now, I’m all for the FFM gig, but the exponential number of these scenes sprouting up on the Net is ridiculous.

As a hopeless romantic, I used to believe that the majority of women were decent, non-exhibitionistic whores. Now I’m starting to form the opinion that they’re just decent whores. It’s shattering my respect, but I muster forward. Maybe it’s just the age group, who knows. But when the number of FFM scenes outnumber regular guy/girl scenes, well, that’s just absurd. Delightful, but absurd.

Running to the other end of the spectrum, FMM, well, damn. It’s the “not cool” threesome, because of the dueling swords, yes, but men and women still watch it. Why?

Hmmm, maybe it’s like UFC fighting. Spectators cheer for the fighters, but they’d never get in the Octagon and duke it out themselves, even if they were up against someone of their own weight class. Perhaps one of porn’s more popular spectator sports?

There are no true lesbians in porn, just bisexual women eyeing the paycheck that’ll fund their cosmetic surgeries and haircuts. Real lesbians are angry, spiteful creatures that’d rather see men herded like cattle for their sperm than anything else. And once science discovers a way to synthetically grow sperm, we men are fucked. In the bad way.

Alternative porn, as described by Yours Truly, is any form of porn that normal humans would not engage in during normal sex. It’s a broad field of study, but as a very rough, very broad guideline, it includes one or more of the following:

-More than one penis on-screen at a time*
-Bodily fluids other than semen
-Pain-inflicting objects
-A definitive age gap between the models (thirty or more years)
-A definitive weight gap between the models (fifty or more pounds)

*Gay porn excluded, because it’s normal for some people.

Speaking of which, if two hermaphrodites have sex, does that make them gay?

I’ll never understand the intrigue of the A.T.M. movement in alternative porn. I mean, it’s a shit-flavored dick. From gathered testimonials, the male penis isn’t that delicious a snack to begin with.

There are some ugly ass women in the adult entertainment industry. Dear Lord.

There’s no artistic way to segue into or out of a sex scene. Amateur and professional porn has proven this time and time again.

The number of “amateur” pornstars on the Net has grown quadruple-fold since broadband became easily accessible to the masses. Does this mean there are more women becoming cash-and-sex whores? Yes. Yes it does. But it also means that there are just as many horny men, filming “Just-Turned-18 Cindy” jumping up and down on the bed in her naughty panties, and exploiting these whores for a cut. God Bless America.

When I surf those whores who have the softcore teaser sites it seems, to me, a waste of perfectly good webspace. There’s no such thing as restraint once you get into porn. Take off the damn panties, at the least.

I always wonder about the cameramen in porn, especially alternative porn. I mean, it’s one thing to perform a grotesque and/or illegal sex act on someone/something, but it’s totally another when you have to sit there with the camera. Does he get any action from the star(s) after the shoot? Imagine what’s going through his mind:

Are they in focus? What angle should I film this in? Am I close enough? Nope, I can’t see up her birth canal yet. Ah crap, I missed the money shot.

I overheard this in a pub, and it didn’t shock me, but it did bother me to some subliminal extent:

What? Naw, man, timing your jerking with the money shot ain’t gay, it’s juss’ natural.”

Now I can’t get the idea outta’ my head. Bleh.