I have been asked to be a bouncer at a swingers' party. I bet you didn't have a clue that such a job existed. These get-togethers give off the impression that swingers live in a realm of total anarchy. Not so. I've been told that the job entails being a doorman/hole monitor. Ah yes, apparently a wife swap has a few quid pro quos, one being that certain holes are often off-limits. I imagine that double penetration came into existence because of these rules. Two dudes were probably like, "Well you said no anal, but there was no mention anywhere about multiple dicks at the same time in your vagina." Quite the impatient innovators.

Swingers clothed and drinking wine
Warning: Participants may not be as attractive as file photos indicate.
Anyway, before I give the go ahead, I have a few questions about this position. First, what's the dress code? Probably something silk, something whicker and something fragrant, but I'd hate to speculate about this, especially since most of the crowd is going to be naked.

Second, I have heard that there are two certainties at any orgy: the smell and a rotating cast of characters. There is nothing worse than the bouquet of two-person sex when you aren't involved. I simply can't fathom what a room of animals boning might smell like. Am I going to be able to actually taste the smell of cock? How long are you supposed to wait after eating before you bounce? How will I get the stench out of my hair and clothing? Will the odor kill my ability to ever have sex again? Do they make a Glade plug-in for fuckfesting? Are there any STDs that have gone airborne?

How do you start up an orgy anyway? Do people just embrace rabidly or is there a long, drawn out undressing?As far as the crowd goes, I hear that people come and go as they please. How do I know who has been there and who hasn't? Is there re-entry to the party? If so, are we dealing with a stamp/bracelet system or am I going to have to recognize unique manscaping techniques? Women apparently are allowed to participate wherever and whenever they like, but dudes must bring their special lady with them. What if some dude shows up wearing a different fur burger than he originally showed up with. Has he found a swinger loophole? What if the dude shows up in sneakers and no mustache?

The doorman gig sounds complicated, but nowhere near the stress of the other duty I'd have. Suppose a guy in the heat of passion decides that an asshole is the only thing his dick can handle at that moment or is not into the whole DP thing and the vagina is currently occupied? I am not touching him. Do I get a 15-foot long cattle prod to jab him with until he turns to find a legal, vacant orifice? Why can't the girl simply plug that shit like you do with electric sockets to stop little kids from scorching their insides? These are some kinky bitches. Why must I be the one to get under his balls to make sure that he is indeed assing his dick up?

Now, if I have to enforce the rules, do I have to explain them as well? The hole monitor gig implies that I am essentially a referee, but do I have to be the ring announcer as well? Does every participator in the battle royale get a nickname? How am I supposed to deal with two guys wanting "The Italian Stallion" and two chicks and a dude claiming "Dump Cumster?" Do the wrestlers have to use the high five tag-in method to switch things up?

Will my introductions sound something like, "Okay, here are the ground rules. This is a last man standing, few-holes-barred throw down. I want a good, clean fuck from all of you. Holy Holly accepts all penises, hands, toes and tongues anywhere and everywhere. She's the wildcard, but let's remember there are others looking to bone. Bam Bam Big and Blow and Teethy Kathy have no-backdoor rules but will allow you to cum on them above the belt, and below the eyes. The Italian Stallion would like everyone to know that he is okay with anal in case any of you ladies get bored of being poked and want to strap one on. This is one of the few opportunities to make people blush at an orgy. Remember that Squirts has vertigo and cannot play upside down at any time. While it's okay for husbands and wives to briefly mingle, it would defeat the purpose of what we are doing here if you simply monopolize each other. Make sure to set up a time and place to meet afterward in case you somehow can't find your soulmate. I think that's about it, ‘til death do you part. Giddy up?"

5 swingers having sex on a bed
Sex sandwiches are always better with mayo.
How do you start up an orgy anyway? Once the bell sounds do people just embrace rabidly or is there a long, drawn out undressing where people de-robe and remove their last threads of human normalcy? How will I know when to call the match? Will the women suffer a knockout after having her insides t-boned? Will I have them line up and shake hands/"good game" each other afterwards?

I have had this scenario playing over and over again in my head. Picture that I am standing guard in my assigned room. Of course I'll be spending all of my will power to not get hard while watching this uncomfortable scene, which of course will give me a nonconsensual erection. It's like the time I got a semi during a physical with my male pediatrician with Parkinsons. You're told to avoid thinking about the pink elephant and the next thing you know, you have a trunk in your pants.

So while I am standing there, I notice a dude eyeballing a forbidden zone. He begins to bite his lip and grabs his crowbar in order to break and enter. In slow motion I yell "NOOOOOOO ANAAA-" but I awkwardly trip over my boner and begin to fall. I reach out for anything to hold me up and unfortunately grab an enormous mood-setting candle that has been burning next to the action for three hours. The hot wax flies into my eyes and may also splatter onto somebody else's un-expecting parts. I'm blinded as I smack into sweaty skin with my face and fall to the floor.

The next thing I know, my feet are burning and in the moment I believe that I have somehow set the place on fire, not realizing that the candle had simply gotten a hold of my whicker kicks and ignited them. So now I shout "FIRE!!" still blinded by the wax, trying to run out of the room. Of course, I miss the door by an entire wall and instead crash through the window of the top floor penthouse, the likely venue, and plummet to my death. It could happen.

With an endless number of questions and a debilitating, yet rational fear of dying, why am I contemplating doing this? Is the economy really that bad? Am I really doing this because I believe that somehow I'll get a blowjob from an oral diva? Is this what they meant when they said "you can do anything with a law degree?" How does it reflect on me that I am even acquainted with a swinger? In the end I'll probably say yes though. I mean, how can you pass up this kind of experience? Who knows, maybe I'll meet my future wife.