I want to stare at my naked reflection in the bathroom mirror as I meticulously shave myself head to toe. Then, I want to slither on a man-thong and apply blue body paint evenly on every inch of my body, being extra vigilant around the eyes, ear canal, and mouth. Then, I want to amble the eight blocks from my apartment lobby to Wrigley field in nothing but a thong holding my giant cardboard sign. I want to walk in during a Cubs game and scream at the top of my lungs, holding up my giant sign: "I Don't Like Sports."

Guy in stands at sports event holding sign that says I Don't Like SportsThis is my dream. Unfortunately, I have neither the will nor the balls to do it. I will have to settle for poorly Photoshopping the idea instead. I just, for the life of me, cannot muster up the energy to give a shit about sports.

It's not something I'm proud of; in fact, I feel like I'm missing out on a large chunk of the heterosexual male experience, but every time I'm indicted into a situation where I'm forced to watch "the game," I have the same internal dialogue:

I can't believe I got roped into watching this… I hope I look like I know what's going on… the green team is winning… that's such a weird color, green, why did they pick that shade? I wonder if there is someone at the beginning of the season holding up paint swatches to white helmets. I bet there is. How do you get to be the paint swatch guy? I could do that job; I bet that guy doesn't like sports either.


Everyone is standing up now… should I be standing up too? I'm not standing up, what is this the fucking State of the Union address? I'm not standing every 30 seconds for something so… ugh, I wish I was watching the State of the Union address right now.

That girl looks bored too… you know, this could work to my advantage. For a few hours every Sunday, while every other straight male is preoccupied, meat gazing on flat screens, I could be gaining a strategic advantage. A few hours every week over multiple years, I could really capitalize on this. But I bet it's one of those things where girls say, "I don't want a guy who watches SportsCenter all day" but who wants to date a guy who watches Woody Allen movies all the time. There's only so much Crimes and Misdemeanors a girl can take in one lifetime.

Great, now they're talking about their fantasy league. If there's anything more boring than watching sports, it's talking about sports and numbers on the internet. I wonder if I could force myself to choke on this spinach dip… I bet I could if I just put it in my mouth and inhaled… then I would get to go to the ER… ER's are interesting, especially during playoff games, I bet. A bunch of Super Fans smeared with blood and body paint nursing their buzzes and compound fractures. I bet that would be funny… maybe there's a whole section of girlfriends, gay guys, and lame straight dudes like me who just couldn't take it anymore and intentionally choked on spinach dip or took a shot of tequila and then shoved their hand into a blender with the margarita mix… those are my people.

Oh god, but what if I get to the ER and have to sit in the waiting room for 6 hours and… the game is on….

University of Chicago Emergency Room sign outside hospital