>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello

November 8, 2006

You know what's an underrated exciting feeling? Getting an IM from someone you don't know. Isn't that strange? You're sitting around, perusing the latest BDSM videos on YouTube and you get a random IM from an unfamiliar screen name.

Well, yesterday, I received the strangest IM of all. It was from Jesus. At first, I thought, it was someone yanking my crank, like the guywho IMed me in 1999 saying he was Dylan Kleibold. Something about Colorado. Something about a school shooting. I was doing a fantasy baseball draft, I didn't have time to listen.

Anyway, here's a transcript of my conversation with Jesus.

Editor's Note: Both Justin and Jesus' screen names have been changed so neither are bothered by obnoxious 13-year-olds who Google “penis vagina black people” and suddenly decide they're fans.

JesusChr1225: hello
JRebel83: hello
JesusChr1225: how r u?
JRebel83: good

“JesusChr1225: when i was alive i pushed hard for church on tuesday, cuz sunday is football”

JRebel83: whos this?
JesusChr1225: its jesus
JRebel83: jesus who?
JesusChr1225: jesus christ
JRebel83: funny guy
JesusChr1225: u write for PIC, right?
JRebel83: yep
JesusChr1225: i love ur column
JRebel83: thanx, so who r u really?
JesusChr1225: im jesus
JRebel83: bullshit
JesusChr1225: want proof?
JRebel83: yea
JesusChr1225: u have a dog named Missy
JRebel83: big deal, thats in my facebook profile
JRebel83: profile*
JesusChr1225: u went to Northeastern
JRebel83: thats in my fucking PIC bio
JesusChr1225: u got ur first orgasm from that time you saw karen in a bikini on step by step
JRebel83: wtf
JesusChr1225: pretty good, eh?
JRebel83: So why r u IMing me, Jesus?
JesusChr1225: Well I've been looking for someone to spread my Word, and it turns out you compare best with the tax collectors and whores I used to associate with.
JRebel83: Umm, thanks? So what's the deal? Why'd it take 2,000 years to come back?
JesusChr1225: Ugh, honestly, I've been watching the world. What the deuce is going on down there?
JRebel83: yea its pretty bad
JesusChr1225: like, how come my name keeps getting dropped whenever they talk about gay marriage? i dont give a rats dicksack about gay marriage.
JRebel83: yea, everyone thinks you opposed it in the bible
JesusChr1225: thats horseshit, im against SODOMY in the bible, and sodomy is any form of impure sex, including oral and premarital
JRebel83: really? u consider premarital sex to be sodomy?
JRebel83: i guess we've all sodomized someone then
JesusChr1225: ditto, besides if 2 ppl love each other and arent hurting anyone who am I to intervene? seems to me divorce and erectile dysfunction are greater dangers to the american family than the queers
JRebel83: man whenever i tell ppl im a catholic they look at me like i jus told them i eat puppies for lunch
JesusChr1225: yea thats ur presidents fault… he makes barrabas look like job
JRebel83: good one, jesus
JesusChr1225: oh like u kno what im talkin about, you havent been to church in yrs
JRebel83: well church is boring
JesusChr1225: i hear ya, and honestly when i was alive i pushed hard for church to be on tuesday, cuz who the fuck does shit on tuesday, sunday is football
JRebel83: exactly!
JesusChr1225: hey, like how i made you a pats fan?
JRebel83: yea thanks jesus, but could you have done something bout the big ears and small dick?
JesusChr1225: everyones a critic…but hey dont blame me for the church, man made the church
JRebel83: yea and man also made “The War at Home”
JesusChr1225: clearly man cant be trusted, but thats free will
JRebel83: so then Muslims and Jews and Buddhists are wrong then, since clearly you exist?
JesusChr1225: who are you? Jerry Falwell? everyones right in their own way, religion is up for interpretation…Muslims are idiots, though
JRebel83: r they all terrorists in heaven, too?
JesusChr1225: lmao not all muslims r terrorists, but honestly, you cant have a religion that completely demeans women and supports fighting perceived tyranny in the name of God all for 72virgins and NOT expect ppl to equate your faith with insanity. btw those 72 virgins, they all look like Chris Berman.

JRebel83 😡
JesusChr1225: i mean, faith is a good thing whether you believe in Jewish god or Buddha or the like, i actually get along well with Buddha, we're in the same fantasy football league, nigga picked tomlinson like two spots ahead of me
JRebel83: what about the scientologists?
JesusChr1225: imagine how jimi hendrix must feel every time every time he sees a dashboard confessional video… thats how i feel about scientologists
JRebel83: i hear ya
JesusChr1225: omg you cant read some star trek book and pawn that off as your lord and savior, you just cant, i mean by that logic, anyone could just worship a toaster oven, and btw a toaster oven would have made a better movie than “battlefield: earth”
JRebel83: rotflmao

JRebel83: so how do u feel about abortion
JesusChr1225: im against it, always have been, but ill let the women sort that one out
JRebel83: a lot of angry feminists in heaven, too?
JesusChr1225: like you would not believe, we dont even have PMS up here and they're still obnoxious
JRebel83: so whats heaven like?
JesusChr1225: its different for different people, in your heaven theres a neverending keg of Sam Adams Oktoberfest and ur surrounded by those girls who always say they wanna fuck you in ur pic feedback… and they're hot and not 12
JRebel83: wow that sounds great
JesusChr1225: oh its a scene man
JRebel83: i still cant believe jesus actually reads my pic column
JesusChr1225: i read it on the can a lot, it loosens my bowels
JRebel83: TMI, jesus
JesusChr1225: brb
JRebel83: k
Auto response from JesusChr1225: “Bringing sexy back. Back in a bit.”

JRebel83: Wow, Jesus, nobodys used that joke before.
JesusChr1225: Hey shut up
JRebel83: haha
JesusChr1225: well i gotta jet, im goin barhopping with Saddam Hussein
JRebel83: Saddam made it to Heaven?
JesusChr1225: well, he did kill a lot of muslims
JesusChr1225: jk lol
JRebel83: thats pretty fucked up, jesus
JRebel83: well ill ttyl
JesusChr1225: lata
JesusChr1225: bye
JRebel83: byeee
Auto response from JesusChr1225: “Bringing sexy back. Back in a bit.

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