>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
March 29, 2006


At one point or another, I feel like everybody has been with someone when suddenly it starts to become obvious that something is lacking from the relationship. That something is poontang. You’ve put in your two cents. You’ve completed all of the steps that should have led up to a night of mind-blowing sex. You’ve gone out for coffee, watched movies, been Beirut partners, given massages, met her friends, racked up an extra one hundred dollars on your phone bill because you didn’t go for the damn unlimited text messaging; you’ve even slept in the same bed. Yet when your buddies ask you what she’s like between the sheets you get red in the face and try to go find a rock to crawl under, because you don’t have a fucking clue.

Reason # 1: You waited too long.

You know what I’m talking about; girls, you should know exactly what I’m talking about. Your libido towards this person is gone. It was there a few nights ago when you were drunk and you should’ve had sex. Instead, you passed out on separate sides of the bed, hung out a little the next day, went your separate ways, and then continued this vicious cycle for the next few weekends. The throw-you-up-against-the-wall-and-rip-off-each-other’s-clothes “umph” is missing, and you know it’s just not in the cards for you two. Once you’ve waited too long, it’s possible that your window of opportunity has closed. If this is why she isn’t sleeping with you (and deep down, you know you know), I think you’ve hit a dead end, and it’s time to make a U-turn.

“Maybe your stars weren’t aligned, or maybe she heard that fart you tried to muffle. (Look, if you’re going to fart, at least take it like a man.)”

Reason # 2: You haven’t made a move you pussy.

There really isn’t an excuse for this. Now, don’t up and get all fussy on me. I’m not calling you a pussy because you didn’t hold the girl down and rape her after a mere phone number exchange. However, after putting weeks of effort in, you should’ve put on your A game. If a girl is introducing you to her clique, and letting you come as close to sex as a clothed massage will allow, she probably won’t object to a good pounding. Wait what? And don’t tell me you didn’t make a move because you really like this girl, if you really liked her you would have made a move. Pussy.

Reason # 3: She thinks you’re just friends.

Correction. She doesn’t want to be more than friends. Correct me if I’m wrong but if you have a good girl “friend” and you are attracted to her, you probably want to sleep with her. If you don’t, either you are related to her and not into the whole marry your third cousin and sleep with her when she’s fifteen Mormon thing, like on that show Big Love…or you’re gay. However, some girls just aren’t feelin’ that. Unlike guys, jumping your bones is not the first thing on our checklist…most of the time.

Reason # 4: You’ve got an STD.

You are that guy. You are attractive. You’ve got charm. You get girls with the wink of an eye. And you’ve got an STD. Oh…you don’t? Well, that’s not what all of the Tri Delts are saying. If you’re wondering why Bethany from your economics class isn’t falling under the spell that every freshman to come through this college has, why don’t you talk to Bethany’s older sister’s best friend, who slept with you freshman year. The next day, she woke up with a little thing called herpes…or so they say. It’s called a check-up. Time to get one.

Reason # 5: She’s just not that into you.

The line made famous by Sex and the City, and then had a little sex change. You see, sometimes there is no explanation. Maybe your stars weren’t aligned, or maybe she heard that fart you tried to muffle. (Look, if you’re going to fart, at least take it like a man, and live up to it. If a muffled fart is heard and left unclaimed, you’re going to look like a douchebag.) Regardless, sometimes it’s just not meant to be…because she doesn’t want it to be. Sorry.

As the old saying goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I say, give up. That window of opportunity is dead bolted and the doors are locked. But have no fear, there is plenty more poontang in the sea.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.