A séance is a chilling ceremony where a group of drunk, giggling asshats attempt to contact spirits by performing a set of unholy rituals. I have conducted a few séances myself, none of which were successful, but I will guide you through the process as I have learned it from SoYouWanna.com. This fantastic website teaches you how to do just about anything! Actually, you're better off just reading the article on that website instead of this, so please be advised that you are now officially wasting your time.

Ghost on a toiletOnly Invite People Who Believe in Ghosts

Perhaps this is where I went wrong.  I normally coax douchey* vagrants to attend my séances by promising to keep one breast exposed throughout the ceremony. Sure it's a little drafty, but it's the only way I can get people to participate. Before you send out your invitations, remember that the number of séance guests should be a multiple of three.

Create a Spirit-Friendly Environment

Much like freaks, the ghosts only come out at night, so plan your séance at the witching hour. Then again, I did used to have successful Ouija board sessions during the day, but I have an inkling my devious friend was moving the message indicator to spell out "lay-off-the-gin-you're-only-in-the-second-grade."  That sneaky bitch, nobody makes a rube out of me.

To get started you will need a few key supplies: a white table cloth, a number of candles divisible by three, and incense.  If incense is unavailable, spray a few squirts of Febreze or Arrid Extra Dry into the air.  The instructions say to play "soothing music" (spirits are conjured when participants are relaxed) but I prefer a CD of scary sounds or "The Monster Mash" on repeat. Waa waa oooooooo. It's highly suggested that you record your séance because you may think it was unsuccessful, but when you play back the tape you're likely to hear a ghost calling you a loser and telling you to get a life.

When you're ready to go, turn off "The Monster Mash" and tell your snickering guests to shut the eff up.Prepare the Group

First you must select a medium who will lead the group.  This has always been me since I force unwilling guests to summon the dead. The group should engage in deep breathing exercises to sink into an even deeper state of relaxation (I've had a participant fall asleep a this point), then pop half a Quaalude–a crisp glass of sauvignon blanc will also speed along the relaxation process.

Now it's time to pick a spirit! Preferably that has recently croaked (someone who is long since dead will not "cross over"). In past séances, I have tried to contact Ol' Dirty Bastard, my Grandma Nonie, and Heath Ledger (preferably wearing his Brokeback Mountain chaps). If you don't choose your spirit beforehand you run the risk of summoning an irate demon phantom who will throw your furniture around, scratch a hole in the couch, and wipe its ass on the carpet. Then you'll have to perform an exorcism, which is far beyond my realm of expertise.

Now that you're ready to go, turn off "The Monster Mash," tell your snickering guests to shut the eff up, and make sure the room is completely silent.  It's go time.

Summon the Spirit

Everyone in the circle must join hands. Some hands may be disgustingly sweaty because your guests are secretly terrified. Go to the bedroom, get your Summers Eve Vaginal Refreshment wipes, make guests wipe up their nasty little paws, and then connect hands once again. I only associate with sadists, but if any of your guests have special religious beliefs, you should say a blessing beforehand to keep their souls pure.

Now it's really time to get started: The medium should begin to chant: "Our beloved [insert ghoul's name here], we ask that you commune with us and move among us."  Keep doing this until you get a "sign." It could take the form of a sound, a moving object, or a drop in the room's temperature.

Re-Evaluate if Spirits Don't Come

You worthless twat!! Try again another time. Maybe the ghosts didn't approve of your drunken giggling. Be sober next time.

This Halloween, if your pansy ass can summon the courage, conduct a séance of your own. Keep your boobs securely covered, your mind open, and hopefully you will have better luck than I did.

*Douchey:  Pennsylvania slang for drunk

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