>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
March 3, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Gay Couples Start Tying Knot in Oregon

PORTLAND, Ore. – Gay and lesbian couples started tying the knot in Portland on Wednesday after the county issued same-sex marriage licenses, joining the rapidly spreading national movement in San Francisco and upstate New York.

Hey guys, this is my impersonation of Oregon. “HEY UMM! WE CAN BE COOL TOO! WATCH! I'LL SMOKE CIGARETTES AND STUFF! AND WEAR LEATHER JACKETS! WATCH! WE'RE COOL! WE'RE COOL!”

Meanwhile, New York's attorney general joined the national debate, saying current law prohibits same-sex weddings and that mayors should not preside over them. But he said he would leave it to the courts to decide if the law is constitutional. In Washington, D.C., lawmakers debated the issue, with Republican senators such as Majority Leader Bill Frist asking Congress to embrace a constitutional amendment banning them.

Also, current law prohibits same-sex Webdings. So no more of these: 9[insert weird Webdings fo2we;azx.cvwe7qe;'v


“Same sex marriage is likely to spread through all 50 states in the coming years,” Frist said. “It is becoming increasingly clear that Congress must act.”

“Let me finish,” Frist said, “Congress must act in gay cabaret musical theatre. This is the ONLY WAY TO SHOW AMERICA WE CARE.”

In Oregon, about 50 people lined up for a sudden chance to wed after a Multnomah County commissioner said she would begin issuing the licenses to same-sex couples.

How sucky would it be if you were there just to get your passport photo taken and you were homophobic.

An ebullient Mary Li held up the very first certificate — showing her and her partner's name under the Oregon seal.

Mary Li, Mary Li, Mary Li, Mary Li…life is but a dream INDEEEEEED!

“I can't describe how great it feels,” Li said. She and her partner Rebecca Kennedy were also the first to be married, by a county judge.

The reporter asked again, licking her lips, “Just…oh god…just try to describe how great it feels…please, leave no detail out…

Gay bar owners handed out free glasses of champagne and many couples carried bouquets of roses.

Owners of gay bars? Or gay owners of regular bars? I suppose it doesn't really matter, homosexually speaking.

In New York, Attorney General Eliot Spitzer said in a statement obtained by The Associated Press, “I personally would like to see the law changed, but must respect the law as it now stands.”

*Cough* fag *cough* *cough*

Both sides of the polarizing issue have been waiting for Spitzer's opinion since Friday, when the mayor of New Paltz, a college town 75 miles north of Manhattan, married 25 same-sex couples without licenses. Village Mayor Jason West now faces 19 criminal counts and could face jail time.

Wouldn't it be a little ironic if he was butt raped in jail? ‘Cause of the whole…same sex thing…and all.

On Wednesday, Nyack, N.Y., Mayor John Shields said he would also start marrying gay couples and planned to seek a license himself to marry his same-sex partner.

Holy crap. That city is called Nyack, New York! That's like, how a retard would say it, then the actual name of the state. It's almost as if they let the town illiterate name the city, and that's the only noise he could muster up.

Spitzer said New York's law contains references to “bride and groom” and “husband and wife” and does not authorize same-sex marriage. Gov. George Pataki has also said that performing gay marriages is illegal, a position he affirmed on Wednesday.

Pataki also said sixty-nining was legal. A position he affirmed on Wednesday after getting his deek slucked whilst eating out some grade b poonanny nanny.

“Marriage under New York State law is and has been for over 200 years between a man and a woman. And we have to uphold that law,” he said.

“Also, slavery was around for 400 years, so we should bring that back too!” Pataki said, as all rich white men applauded.

Shields and West said they would go ahead with their plans.

I'm sorry, I haven't been paying very much attention, who are “Shields and West?”

“What do you do when you're faced with injustice?” Shields said. “What did the women do in the suffrage movement? They marched. They were arrested. They did what they had to do to get their rights.”

Geez, when it comes to deflecting verbal abuse, Shields is good.

West married 25 gay couples on Friday, making New Paltz another flash point in the national debate over gay marriage. More than 3,400 couples have been married in San Francisco; West now has about 1,200 couples on a waiting list.

Man that's so hot. 1200 Lesbians! Wait a minute…not all lesbians are attractive! Wait a minute…. Guys can be gay too! Oh my god, I think I'm going to be sick. I knew oysters for breakfast was a bad idea.

In Massachusetts, same-sex marriages have the approval of the state's highest court — but the state-sanctioned marriages will not start until May.

After the states highest court stepped aside, the states drunkest court stated on the record, “Oh me goff, im soo frenking frunking durnk! Ahahah you guys look like my Aunt Jemimah!”

Portland has long been viewed as a bastion of liberalism, but opposition from Oregon's Republican leadership was swift.

Why would Oregon care about Portland, Maine. But more importantly, why would I assume Portland, Maine?

“I'm very upset that this travesty is taking place in Oregon. It definitely is an insult to the voters and to the people,” said Kevin Mannix, chairman of the Oregon Republican Party, who called for the attorney general to put a halt to the marriages immediately.

“Also, I'm angry that gay people are allowed to get married like me! What next?! Voting privileges!?”

Two protesters yelled at the couples across a yellow police tape as officers kept watch.

They weren't yelling! They were throwing rice! The rice of injustice. Uncle Ben's.

Among those in line early Wednesday was Christine Tanner, who won a landmark Oregon Court of Appeals ruling in 1998 requiring all state and local governments to offer spousal benefits to the same-sex domestic partners of their employees.

Same sex spousal abuse? Who is so angry that they would beat up their partner, but also be so happy that they would be gay. This seems a little bit fishy to me.

“There are only so many big events in people's lives — birth, marriage and death,” said Tanner, who waited to wed her partner of 19 years. “It's a big deal. For us, this is symbolic.”

“Okay, well now I've achieved birth and marriage, lets see what's next on my checklist…” Tanner said, as a horde of republicans ran towards her with axes.

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