I've been hiding something from all my friends and family for quite some time now, and I think it's time I finally came clean about it once and for all. I just don't understand Facebook Events and I have no idea what the etiquette is when I get invited to them. While most people would probably just RSVP with either Yes, No or Maybe, I find myself completely sucked into the psyches of the admins who created the event in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that they even considered me in their invitation list at all, but honestly, most of the time I find myself saying out loud, "Really?!"

I can't help but wonder if your parent's 25th wedding anniversary is really the best place for our first "real life" meeting? Let's start with all the people I have actually met in real life but haven't seen in a number of years. Sure we went to high school together, but life has taken us to different colleges, down different career paths, to different parts of the world, etc… When you invite me to the gig that your band is playing later tonight, I can't help but wonder if you actually think I'm going to buy a plane ticket, take a 9-hour flight, book a hotel room, and then rent a car, just to make that show that you're inviting me to. Chances are, there's no way in hell I could attend this show even if I really wanted to.

Here's my real question though: do you really not remember me at all from high school? I am NOT the type of person to simply click "Not Attending" when presented with such a ridiculous situation. No, if you remembered me at all, you'd know that I'm going to click "Maybe Attending" at the very least, while desperately holding out for the invention of that long-past-overdue teleportation device. However, more than likely, I am absolutely going to click "Attending" just to mess with your head, since you're clearly messing with mine by expecting me to bend time and space to make your show. I may even leave you a comment that goes something like, "HELL YEAH I'M ATTENDING! I wouldn't miss it for the world! I'll be the one down in front yelling and cheering the loudest! However, I will have to leave immediately afterwards in order to take that temporal vortex back, so I won't be able to hang out afterwards and catch up." In reality, we'll just catch up via Facebook where I'll tell you how much you rocked that set and that it was your best show yet! (I know, because I have attended all of the "impossible to make" shows that you have last-minute invited me to over the years.)

Be very afraid
Computers are dumb. They only know what you tell them.
Then there are all those wacky events that people invite me to, because when it comes to bizarre and wacky events, I invariably spring to the forefront of people's minds as being a willing participant. In reality, these are probably the people who know me better than the ones who expect me to actually bend time and space just to see them. However, the invites still get me thinking about the event motivations.

For instance, take a recent event that I was invited to, Race to 100,000 push ups: "Who can reach 100,000 push-ups first? That's 273 push-ups every day for a year! I'll race you! If you want to participate, how about taking a pic of your arms today, and we'll see what they look like in a year! Post your daily total and your running total every day!" My favorite part about this event is the Date, Time & Location. The Date: Saturday, May 14, 2011. One year from the invite, which is about the only thing about this event that makes any sense. The Time: 7:30pm-10:30pm. Wait, you mean I am only allowed to do these push-ups at night between 7:30 and 10:30?! Crap! That is totally going to cut into some of those last minute concerts I promised all those other people I would be attending. The Location: Wherever there's space to do push-ups. Oh good, then I CAN make all those concerts, of course now I have to change all those concert invite comments to, "I'll be the one down in front yelling and cheering the loudest…um…while doing push-ups apparently." However, I've decided that I just can't be bothered with posting pictures of my arms and daily push-up totals, so I am just going to do one-arm push-ups, you know, "so you can see the difference." Besides, with all the ladies that I encounter, it is better to be prepared just in case I happen to come across a scrunt.

Guy six feet under
When it comes to the ladies, nobody likes a scrunt!
I also get invited to events from people who I have never actually met in real life, but am friends with on Facebook for whatever reason. To be honest, these days I get a little shocked when I get a friend request from someone I actually know! So when these "real life" total strangers invite me to their personal events, it makes me wonder what their motivation actually is? Maybe it's all very innocent and they just want to get to know me better, but then I can't help but wonder if your parent's 25th wedding anniversary is really the best place for our first "real life" meeting? Surely I'm going to embarrass and shame the hell out of you and your entire family…see, you would actually know this if you really knew me. However, I have also watched one too many horror movies, so when a total stranger invites me over to their house for dinner, through the internet, my first thought is that I am going to end up in a dry well in their basement with someone screaming down at me, "IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!"

He puts the lotion on its skin
"Put the fucking lotion in the basket!"
Of course there are also all of those wild card events that keep filling up my Google calendar like, "I got a new cell phone and I need your number!" Presumptuous really, since your old cell phone didn't even have my number. I usually just leave a phone sex number for this event for positive association purposes.

The sketchy, "I'm going on vacation and I want you to pay for it charity event." In case you were wondering, I don't consider any of my friends to be charity cases. So out of respect for our friendship, pay for your own damn vacations!

The classic, "Launch event for something that for some reason you give more shit about than you realistically should." If it isn't a freakin' space shuttle then I always make sure and attend these events in order to hype the product WAY beyond its actual capabilities, leaving everyone ultimately disappointed when it "launches."

The laborious, "Help me move event." Seriously, fuck you. No, you can fuck right off if you think I am moving another sofa bed! I may be 6 feet tall with arms* bigger than most people's legs, but I don't want a hernia any more than the next guy.

*(One arm, "so you can see the difference.")

And the always oddly non-specific, "I'm going to be here at this time so you, and everyone else I have ever had any contact with, should come." This event really irritates me, because it defeats the whole purpose of me stalking you on Facebook in the first place if you're just going to invite me out whenever you go anywhere. Have some respect for the delicate balance of the stalking relationship! Directly letting me know where you're going to be and giving me permission to show up takes all the fun out of it.

When they aren't playing Farmville they're playing with you!
So for the record, Facebook events have never really made any kind of real life sense to me. Regardless of what my comedic and ridiculous RSVP says, you should probably just assume that I won't be attending any of these events. That way if I actually do unexpectedly show up for one of them, you will be that much more excited that I actually came. Trust me, our online friendship will be that much stronger this way, as opposed to me ALWAYS clicking "Not Attending" to your highly bizarre, socially ridiculous, or impossible-to-attend events. Besides, I would much rather you think of me as some kind of a jet set, on the go, up for anything, wild party animal than that guy who never comes to anything he's invited to.

Do you have an event you're wondering if I'll attend? If so, live on the edge and send me an invite: http://www.facebook.com/trostela I'm sure I won't mess with your head THAT much.