The Vatican

Throughout history, the Catholic Church has been burdened with the daunting task of becoming the world's buffer against our primitive savagery, the collapse of morality, and non-whites from smiling in public. Due to this magnanimous and laudable effort, in addition to filing extensive tax returns and fighting poverty by building $64,000,000 cathedrals to lobby God for equitable wealth distribution, it has been argued that this task has often left the Church short on time to be so capacious in their appraisal of potential candidates for excommunication.

I, however, want to pay homage to the punctilious assessments the Catholic Church has undergone in excommunication. The Church has been unwavering in its rejection of liberalism and the temptation to sacrifice moral certitude and groupthink for the self-gratification of using scientific advancement to enrich the lives of humanity. Self-gratification sounds like masturbation; that's not procreative.

Jesus told the rich man: "Give all you own to the poor and follow my lead writing it off on your taxes."

1. Nazis

Auscwitz camp
"What'd they do? Ahhhhshitz."

Okay, I know what you're thinking, "Communists weren't Catholic anyway." Which is true, Sean Hannity, but Communists weren't Nazis either, so calling Obama both of them just leaves us with a confused electorate who are afraid of the president due to his affiliation instead of because he's attacking the white majority with that boombox on his shoulder and his Fubus.

The Church's relationship to the Nazis in Germany was complicated. Well, not really. At first, they were really peeved at all this advocation of merciless slaughter; then Nazis started offering them shit. Pope Pius XI signed the Reichskonkordat, granting the Church Oprah-status in Germany from the Nazi Party and legitimizing Hitler's direction in an obvious attempt to grant the Church immunity from Nazi aggression. (*EDIT* Pius XI required the power granted to the Church in the Reichskonkordat to remain in effect after the Nazis had been defeated, contrary to the wishes of the Allies.) Joseph Goebbels, however, was excommunicated for marrying a Protestant.

So why weren't the culprits of the slaughtering of 6 million Jews, 250,000 disabled, and not Tyler Perry, excommunicated?

Yes, it's true. The Nazis—at Auschwitz in particular—were infamously known across Europe for engaging in the desecration of the Eucharist. It may be difficult to accept that Nazis at Auschwitz reportedly allowed two Catholic priests (possibly the only two there) to give a non-Catholic the Eucharist. However, let your stomachs be settled, the Catholic Church did eventually erect the Center for Dialogue and Prayer in Oswiecim at the feet of Auschwitz (that is nothing like the Park51 building, so stop asking) to memorialize the atrocities done at the hands of the prisoners within the camp. Remember, the Nazis did exterminate a hoard of non-Christians however, paving the way for the re-emergence of Christian political dominance (see America) and Creed (see Jesus).

2. Nancy Pelosi

nancy pelosi
Man-cy Pelosi….haha. Nailed it.

I know she's a total left-wing, dendrophiliac, fascist, neo-feminist, godless, Saved by the Jeze-bell, cunt.

Why isn't that baby-killing, socialist with a less than fruitful waste-to-hips ratio who probably listens to Alanis Morissette and hosts Pampered Chef parties excommunicated?

Nancy Pelosi's pro-choice views landed her in the hot seat with The Pope in 2009. After they turned off the seatwarmers in the papal Mercedes, they went inside to talk about stuff. The meeting adjourned after only a strong warning and given The Pope's age, probably a lot of using "says" as preterite and two-handed, prolonged handshakes. It may appear that Benedict's lack of urgency to excommunicate Nancy over the issue is tacit consent, but The Pope's strategy stretches much further. With $58 million, Nancy Pelosi is one of the richest members of Congress. An excommunication would mean losing at least 10% of that amount annually. Can you imagine what good the Lord could do with 58…carry the 2…. all that money? Nancy's shit isn't working anymore anyway, and because we can't ordain her into God's will through the cleansing of her female wretchedness in child-bearing, the only way to ensure she's getting a constant dose of positive male influence is by filling up that yap-hole with Christ's tender, viscous love liquid every Sunday.

3. Religious Rapists

The John Jay Report surveyed 97% of dioceses in the United States uncovered 10,667 allegations of child abuse between the years of 1950 and 2002 against Catholic officials. 22% of the reports came from children under the age of 10 years old. As a result, 2% of the individuals involved were given prison sentences in what has been coined V-card Day by me, just now.


The Church is succinct in its policy on the sexual pursuits of the priesthood. Like being seen drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte before Labor Day: you just don't fucking do it. The imposed regard for asceticism has roots in the fear the medieval Church had on losing land to primogeniture. Thus, the attempted sacramental absolution of a partner in adultery cannot apply to priests who aren't having sex that has any chance in resulting in a pregnancy. Since condoms, birth control, homosexuality, and abortion are inherently evil, the ONLY way to ensure an heir is not born and priests still get their Dome of the Rocks off, is pederasty. Priests can, of course, safeguard against crossing the fine line between fucking child boys in the ass and fucking adolescent boys in the ass (making it gay) by the mandatory cardboard cut-out of the Archangel Michael in front of every parish: "If his head is beneath this line, it's safe to ride this boy."

This graph is giving me blue bars.

Wait, so fucking kids is never okay?

Listen, these guys are just the monsters, take your complaints up with Frankenstein, id est, liberals. As Santorum said, our poor priests were just infected with a sick popular culture, as if retroactively killing Jesus and forcing soldiers to go gay with their fancy glitter and gimmicks wasn't sufficient in destroying this country. As Father Benedict Groeschel eloquently asserted, these older children—14, 16, 18—just took advantage of thousands of priests amidst nervous breakdowns. Knowing what we know about the statistics on the reports of child abuse, we're sure the majority weren't that old. Therefore, not only do these kids take advantage of downtrodden men of the Lord, but they're also shapeshifting. Terrifying.

4. Secular Rapists

A 9-year-old girl in Brazil was raped repeatedly by her stepfather. Dumpitybump, ba! But no that really happened. Weighing a mere 66 pounds, at the urging of her mother, doctors performed a life-saving abortion. The Church then excommunicated the girl's mother and the doctors who performed the operation. After an abundance of negative press, the Church renounced its original position and revoked the excommunications. The girl, not yet being 17 years of age, could not be excommunicated formally.

So why the flip-flop?

Beating heart transplant
Transplants stop a beating heart.
As merciful, bake-sale starting, reanimated-after-that-men's-retreat-feeling American Christians, we need to take the real victim of this crime into consideration. The stepfather. Obviously stricken with grief due to the loss of his child, the excommunication of his wife and the trusted community medical staff could have sent him over the edge. The survival of his 9-year-old mistress is one of God's miracles. Miracles that always seem to occur within the parameters of medical advancement in a given area. And let's face it, maybe abortion isn't so bad after all. We only get to see the billboards from the grown-up fetuses, we haven't heard any complaints from the other side.