>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 95 – August 22, 2004

“Also Known As ‘Things That Make You Go Hmm…'”

Now Playing: “We Belong to the Sea” by Aqua

It's been a long time since I've written a column composed entirely out of irrelevant, disconnected and not entirely humorous observations. That's because in my quest to bring you the third-greatest humor column at Points in Case, I am constantly writing jokes, hoping to link them together at a later date using what we in the humor-column-writing business call a “theme.” Sometimes, it just doesn't work out and I find out the jokes I spent hours, sometimes minutes, writing out just don't fit in anywhere. It would be a shame to just let these jokes fester in the trash can (also known as the Windows XP Recycle Bin), so I present them to you here in all their disjointed glory, for a little segment I call “Taking Out The Trash.” Here's what happened:

-Did you know there's a product called “Liquid Band-Aid”? It comes in a tube, and you apply it to yourself, and it protects your skin from cuts, scrapes, and burns. I bought 78 bottles of the stuff and covered my entire body with it. Now I'm7y invincible. Seriously, I could walk into a burning building and emerge unharmed. You could stab me in the face with a pointy object and it would just bounce off. I can deflect bullets. Thank you, Liquid Band-Aid. Who wants to touch me?

-On the side of the highway there have always been these “Deer X-ing” signs with a picture of a deer crossing the road. These were fine. Now I see they've added, right beside the Deer X-ing signs, a Moose X-ing sign. Like people were totally surprised to see a moose on the road instead of a deer, and they started thinking “Well, if it was a deer I would have just plowed right through it. But nobody said anything about MOOSE!” If this keeps up they're going to have to put up new signs every time a different animal crosses the road, so pretty soon you'll be seeing a cornucopia of x-ing signs including “Wombat X-ing,” “Homeless Man X-ing,” and “Various X-ing Signs X-ing” (that last one is for when the sign falls onto the highway).

-When you're on hold with customer service, and they tell you that your call may be monitored, who do you suppose may be monitoring it? My guess is it's the Commies. I bet between calls they all get together and make fun of my technical ineptitude for hours on end, which is why we spend so much time on hold. Somebody put that Super-Size Me douche on this.

-Who the hell buys shoes on the Internet? Have you ever gone to the shoe store and asked to try on a size 7 because you've always been a size 7 and then, after trying on eighteen different pairs, you find out that at that store you're actually a size 9? Imagine doing that but tossing the post office into the mix. We'll find life on Mars before anybody finds a perfect shoe fit the first time. I bet each successful Internet shoe transaction takes longer than the OJ Simpson trial, only with slightly less justice being served.

-McDonald's really needs to stop putting “Smiles are free” on their menu. We get it. Your employees are friendly. Now stop defecating in my burger and don't give me any of this “we're out of iced tea” bullshit. I think just once McDonald's should try charging for smiles, just to see if they'll get any takers. (“McDonald's: We're Friendly For A Price.”)

-If they really want to make amusement park haunted houses scary, they should try putting some Olympic-caliber women's shot put athletes in there. I looked one of them in the eye once and couldn't pee for six days. I can't believe they keep showing these abominations of nature on television all the time. You can't usually see people that ugly without paying admission first.

-I'm getting damn sick of seeing jewelry store robberies on the news. You see the employees every time looking all shocked and traumatized, talking to the cameras about how scared they were, and then the journalist says it's the third time they've been robbed this month. Goddamnit people you work in a jewelry store! You'd think you would get used to it by now. It's like all those people in Florida standing outside their ruined trailer homes saying, “I can't believe my house was destroyed by a hurricane. Again.”

-One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is watch the stock quotes that come on at the end of the local news. If you read the newspaper (and I hope to God you don't, because that would make you an old person) you know that there are approximately 80 hillion bajillion stocks available for purchase. And yet at the end of the local news, they only show like four. And they always sound like monsters in a Godzilla movie. At first I thought they just showed the biggest movers and shakers in the stock market world, but then I noticed that some of the stocks had moved only a few pennies up or down, while another hadn't moved at all. So what do you think the chances are that, while watching the local news, someone jumped up in excitement and yelled out, “All right! My Rodan stock went up 0.8 cents! I'm getting me a new car, or at least a new cupholder.”

-I got a spam email that promised to add three inches to the length of my penis. That sounded pretty good. I got the pills, and they worked like a charm. The next day I got two more emails, each promising to add four inches. Those worked pretty well too. It's now been a month, and I figure only a few more bottles and I'll have that three-footer I've always wanted.

-Quote of the Moment: One of my friends, on body piercing: “They say if you get your tongue pierced it makes oral sex twice as pleasurable. So I got my dog's tongue pierced, 'cause he's always licking himself, but he just doesn't seem to care.”