>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 72 – March 14, 2004

“It's Not Even About College Anymore”

Now Playing: “For What It's Worth” by Buffalo Springfield

Many months ago, before this column had been moved over to its fabulous new home at Points in Case and I had become a corporate shill and scientists had managed to cure AIDS and hovercars had been invented, I got tired of writing a new column every Sunday. So I sent out an email to all seven of my readers at the time that asked the probing and deep question: “Should Text-Heavy be made a bi-weekly newsletter?” The answer, as those of you with time machines at your disposal are no doubt already aware, was a resounding ‘No. Keep it weekly or your family gets it.' Well now, months later, I have just received the greatest response ever. And now you can read it yourself in this week's Quote of the Moment. End teaser. Here's what happened:

-You can tell how expensive a restaurant is simply by seeing how dark it is inside. The fanciest restaurants actually turn the lights off completely so you can't even see your hand in front of your face. I went to this really classy restaurant where the menus were written exclusively in Braille and I kept missing my mouth and poking myself in the eye with a salad fork. Now that's class.

-People take stupid ideas for granted. Like the ‘5-second rule.' What the hell is that about? You know when you drop a piece of food on the floor and someone yells out “5-second rule!” thus insinuating that you have 5 seconds to pick the food off the floor and eat it without being gross. Do you think someone did tests to verify this time? Is it possible that somewhere, on the filthiest floor in the world, two pieces of food were dropped, one for five seconds and the other for six, and it turned out that the five second food was safe to eat while the six second food was poisoned? I don't know, and I don't want to know. But last week I dropped an Oh Henry bar in the toilet by accident, and I managed to fish it out in four and a half seconds. That was a close call.

-I like the little things in life, like checking my watch and seeing that it's 11:34, and then realizing that 11:34 is “HELL” upside down. Of course, then I get worried when I realize I own an analog watch. And then I get angry at the guy who sold me these bad mushrooms and kill his puppy. Little things, little things.

-Last year a high school in Georgia (which, according to my world Atlas, is unsurprisingly located in the South) held a segregated, whites-only prom. This year Canadian schools have managed to top this with the only prom idea in the world that's actually stupider: Dry Prom. I know, I know, those words together send chills down my spine too. Dry prom kind of makes racism in schools not seem so bad.

-At first I didn't realize Dry Proms were a terrible idea. I had never really thought about it, because it's not often that I'm looking for new ways to cook shellfish. But then someone explained to me the difference between ‘proms' and ‘prawns,' and boy was I pissed off. I came up with a little rhyme so other retarded people wouldn't suffer the same confusion: “Wet or dry, prawns are pretty fly. Alcohol-free, your prom is going to suck as much as this rhyme does.”

-I first found out about these Dry Proms where I get most of my world news: the Liquor Store. You see, at the checkout line, they had a big poster and a jar that said “Donate $1 to help support dry grad.” Two questions: #1. Why would it cost money to NOT buy alcohol? Are they going to use my dollar to make more posters? #2. Since I'm already at the liquor store, I'm obviously not opposed to the idea of consuming alcohol, so it doesn't really make sense for me to want to support dry grad. I'd think they'd have more success putting these signs up in a less alcohol-friendly environment, like a convent or Utah.

-Seven Fun-Filled Ways to spend Dry Prom: #1. Bowling. #2. Sedate dinner with friends and family. #3. Complaining about how hard Dry Prom sucks. #4. Watching reruns of Leave it to Beaver on cable. #5. Drinking contraband vodka out of the condom you snuck in via rectal cavity. #6. Planning sweet, sweet revenge on those assholes who donated a dollar at the liquor store to make sure the best night of your high school life is ruined. AND #7. Shooting heroin you bought off some guy named “Rusty Nick.” Heroin: the sensible alternative to getting wasted.

-There are so many good, noble causes in the world I'm actually amazed that Dry Prom even ranks up there. I just think it's kind of embarrassing as a comment on our society that people would rather donate a dollar to keep someone else's upper-middle-class kids from having a party than to send the money over to Ethiopia. I saw an infomercial once that claimed for only a dollar a day, I could feed, clothe and educate an Ethiopian kid. I'm going to take this one step further. When I have kids I'm going to send them over to Africa myself with $30 and just say “See you next month.” (I bet the proms in Ethiopia aren't dry.)

-I'm pretty damn serious about this crusade against Dry Proms. You can tell how serious I am by my callous use of the word ‘damn,' kind of like in Gone With the Wind but without all of that contrived war bullshit. If any of you readers out there are being subjected to this form of torture, please send me an email. I will make it my personal mission to call up your school, find out who's responsible for this atrocity, and put them on the next flight to Ethiopia. Maybe if we're really lucky they'll catch Malaria or some similarly lethal African delight.

-Quote of the Moment: “Why would you want to do that? Are you bi-curious?”