>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 53 – October 12, 2003

Now Playing: “Diamonds and Guns” by Transplants

-Quote of the Moment: I hate not having a TV, but I think you learn a lot more without one. For example, you learn what college students really care about. The night of the California Gubernatorial election, I was looking for a television to go watch Schwarzenegger make a mockery of the English language and grope some girls. So I Instant Messenger-ed my friend Tammy, asking if she was watching the election coverage over at her house. She said: “No, we're going to watch EXTRA instead.” And they say kids these days don't care about the issues.

-If somebody wrote Cliff's Notes for the Cliff's Notes version of Joseph Conrad's ‘Heart of Darkness', I'm sure there'd still be a lot of people who would complain it's too long and boring.

-Wouldn't it be awesome to be a college student and have your parents also be your doctor? Every time there'd be a quiz you'd always be like “Mom, I'm feeling really sick again. Could you send over some chicken noodle soup and a note for class?”

-I have a class where the students are supposed to provide feedback on the rest of the class' work, presumably so the professor doesn't have to. And the work is always really terrible. I spend more time critiquing and tearing apart other people's work than I do on my own homework. And I get absolutely no appreciation or credit for it, either. Apparently, writing “You suck. Die.” on someone's essay isn't considered ‘critiquing'. Whiny runts.

-You remember that time you got really drunk and said something absolutely hilarious and you swore you'd remember it so you could put it in next week's newsletter? Neither do I.

-A Message to Girls Who Dress Up for the Gym: If you wear tight black short-shorts, big hoop earrings and lipstick, you don't get to be offended when all the guys are staring at you. Maybe you can complain if the boys start following you home and mailing you pictures they took of you at the mall, but even then…

-A Message to Guys Who Go to the Gym to Pick Up Girls: It doesn't matter how long and hard you stare at them as they do squats, they still aren't going to go on a date with you. Ever. Maybe you should just finish your bench presses so I can use the machine, jackass.

-There needs to be a class for all the people from all my other classes who always ask pointless questions that everyone already knows the answer to. You know, questions like: “When is this due?” (Friday) and “Can we have an extension on this?” (No) and “Will this be on the test?” (Fuck off) They could hold this class in the basement, and maybe if we're really lucky I can gas them when least suspect it.

-If you go into the student computer labs on a weekday at noon, you'll notice that all 150 of the computers are currently being used. And if you look really hard, you'll see that each and every one of them is being used to check people's hotmail account. So if you're ever trying to log on to your hotmail account at home, and it's not working, assume that I hacked into it and shut it down so I could print out my report. I'll have it back up by morning.

-Well, I did it. It took a month and a half and a team of researchers, but I think I've finally managed to find the one female arts student in the entire university who doesn't have a tattoo on her lower back. Victory is sweet.

-This weekend is Goddamn Canadian Thanksgiving, and as such I'm spending the weekend sitting alone at home in my underwear eating microwave burritos and writing a substandard comedy newsletter. So here's what I'm thankful for:

-I'm thankful for my family and friends. Especially my family that wouldn't pay to fly me home for the holiday and my friends who didn't invite me over to their house for turkey dinner. You guys are the best.

-I'm thankful to my classmates, without whom I wouldn't get to experience the joy of social anxiety disorder as I get laughed and pointed at for mispronouncing the word ‘mucilage' when I'm asked to read poetry aloud. It's going to take years of therapy, but I'm sure someday I'll look back on it and laugh. I bet none of them even know what mucilage means.

-I'm thankful for my professors, who agree to let me take my midterms a day early so I can go to my appointments, and then fail to show up at the scheduled place and time, so I waste an hour and a half waiting for a professor who's never going to show up and then miss my bus anyway. I'm never making an appointment with an escort service in the middle of the morning again.

-I'm thankful for the phone company, who connected my phone a week late, and even then only after I went over to their company headquarters to complain, and THEN, when they promised they'd credit me for that week, instead chose to bill me for an EXTRA week of service I never had on top of the ORIGINAL week of service I never had, including a substantial amount of long distance phone conversations I never made to ‘The Kootenays'. What the hell are ‘The Kootenays'? It sounds like some kind of freaking disease, as in “I'm sorry, you've got kootenays. You've only got a couple of weeks, tops.”

-I'm thankful for the employees of the school gym, who wouldn't believe I'm actually a student and therefore entitled to workout privileges, and demand I swipe my card for verification TWO TIMES before I'm allowed to enter the sacred area known as the ‘Weight Room'. A gym membership costs $29 for four months. How much security do they need? Are there people out there getting healthy for free? You know, going around and lifting up their shirts in public and pointing to their rippling abdomenal muscles and saying: “See these babies? Bootlegs! Totally stolen!” I fully expect to go in there one day and have to submit a blood test and retinal scan.

-I'm thankful for my roommates, who help me finish off my food when I'm not around to do it myself, and without whom I would never know how messy a bathroom can become. Every morning is a new surprise. (“Toilet paper unrolled in the shower? What the hell? And is that TOOTHPASTE?”)

-I'm thankful for all the girls I asked out so far this year, whom, even though each one said ‘no', gave it at least a moment's thought first. It was a touching moment. Maybe if I had a car things would be different.

-I'm thankful for the nearby grocery store, that knows full well that they're the only grocery store within walking distance of a captive audience of students who don't have cars, and can therefore charge outrageous prices for substandard food. Each time I go to buy food I feel like the place is run by the Mafia. (“$6 for apple juice? I guess I can't refuse.”)

-And, lastly, I'm thankful to you, my fans, who graciously allow me to send you this newsletter for free every week. Without you, I wouldn't get nearly the volume of emails I receive every day informing me of how insanely funny I'm not. Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving.