>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
January 9, 2005

“It's Huge In Japan”

Now Playing: “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel

It's a New Year and God is very angry. My heart and thoughts go out to those who lost loved ones in the South Asian tsunami, and I think it's important that they know just how much those people who don't currently live in an abandoned water park rife with starvation and disease care. And no group better expresses the collective North American we-don't-give-a-shit-but-we-pretend-to attitude than celebrities. So here's a look at how key celebrities have responded to this tragic disaster. Please note that because of the tragic events these last couple of weeks this column is not intended to be funny, but rather to be an in-depth and insightful look deep inside the American psyche. Here's what happened:

-Humanitarian and African-American Oprah Winfrey has pledged to offer the first 200 orphans to write in to her show a new Pontiac. Surprisingly, no orphan has yet taken Oprah up on her generous offer, partly because they don't know how to speak English, let alone craft a letter, and partly because they don't have roads. Oprah had originally offered to provide roads as well but reneged when she found out Pontiac doesn't make those.

-Over-the-hill Shock Jock and animated skeleton Howard Stern took time off from shilling for Sirius satellite radio to visit Sri Lanka in the hopes of, in Stern's own words, “see if he could find some hot lesbos.” Within 30 minutes Stern was attacked and eaten by Panda bears, who don't ordinarily eat people nor live in Sri Lanka, but were willing to make an exception just this one time. The bears were immediately fined $5 million by the FCC.

-Comedian and left-wing agitator Jon Stewart showed footage of the disaster on his television show while somehow finding a way to blame the whole thing on George W. Bush. Then he called the President and anyone who listened to him a dick, which was met by cheers and applause. The FCC didn't care.

-Oxford-educated white rapper Eminem wrote a tribute song about the tragedy utilizing the poorly-rhyming words “tsunami” and “Slim Shady.” The final refrain was all about how MTV wouldn't play his “jams,” whatever the hell that means. The song has been nominated for 4 MTV music awards and a Nobel Prize.

-The Toronto Raptors starting lineup offered to donate $1000 for every point they score in their game against the Sacramento Kings. Thus was recorded the first shutout in NBA history, much to the chagrin of impoverished 3rd worlders and Raptors fans alike. My God do they need Vince Carter back.

-Aging actress Sandra Bullock donated $1 million dollars from her personal fortune, or roughly 1/7th what she made starring in Speed 2: Cruise Control, to the tsunami disaster relief fund. She spent another million paying her publicist to make sure nobody in the Western hemisphere could avoid hearing about it.

-Televangelist and criminally psychotic Pat Robertson blamed the disaster on the gays and Jews, citing Bible passages supporting his claim. His interpretation of said Bible passages were immediately refuted by scholars, theologians and hobos, but this did not stop his latest book, “God Sent The Tsunami To Rid The World of Gays and Jews” from selling 8 million copies. All proceeds from the book sale were generously donated to the Bush/Cheney campaign war chest.

-Megalomaniacal producer and evil genius Jerry Bruckheimer announced his latest movie would be a disaster epic called “Tsunami,” directed by Michael Bay and starring Ben Affleck as a poor but handsome Indonesian man with nothing left to lose. Although still in pre-production and set for release in 2007, the film has already been given 1 star by every major newspaper in North America and grossed $300 million domestically. All proceeds to be donated to Jerry Bruckheimer's cocaine and hooker fund, and to help him complete construction of his escalator to the moon.

-Murderer-sleeper-with Amber Frey took time off from promoting her latest metafictional book: “How to Make Money By Sleeping With Scott Peterson And Then Writing A Book About It,” to send her best wishes to the survivors of the tsunami that haven't yet been accidentally buried in mass graves in the name of Allah. Amber wishes them all to know how she has a lot in common with them, except that Amber didn't lose a loved one in the whole Scott Peterson thing and nobody in subcontinental India has a six-figure book deal. But other than that the two stories are pretty much the same.

-Text-Heavy auteur E.E. Southerby donated his change from his morning coffee to the Red Cross and then remembered he is not, in fact, a celebrity.