Have you ever noticed how good advice always sounds like the complete opposite of what you'd expect? Like when you have a leg cramp, you're supposed to walk it off. If you're hungover, drink more! Or when a wolf is chasing you, don't run (they'll chase you even more—then you'll be tired while you're getting eaten). And when you finally get a girlfriend, let her hang out with another dude. That's right, encourage her to spend lots of time with another blue-blooded male. Just make sure he's gayer than Elton John at a Macy's Pink Sale.

Gay guy shying away from the camera in front of a pink background
"Don't fight this, bro. Can I call you ‘bro'? You're gonna LOVE hanging out with my girlfriend. She's like another gay dude without all the drama."
Now, you should know that not all gay dudes are wimpy. When you get older and grayer (like me) your friends start coming out of the closet. Some of them are obvious, and then some make you ask, "No shit… you're gay? You like banging dudes? I had no idea. Well, let's get a drink."

For some guys, desiring to make out with another dude with a five-o'clock shadow comes with an added bonus: interest in women's shoes, fashion, shopping, dancing, and talking about babies/puppies/kitties. And since I wasn't born with the hopes of someday sitting in a champagne-filled hot tub with the male cast from Twilight, and I'd rather stay at home playing video games than shop, dance, or talk, that's where the Gay BFF comes in. And in truth, I'd rather stay at home playing video games than just about anything—but that's another story.

Some fellows who swing the other way really enjoy talking, shopping…and dancing. I'll dance, but only if the girl really deserves it. Or if I'm at a wedding or a prom or something. I never want to go out just to dance. If I'm going out, I want to drink, throw some darts, and watch alligators eat ducklings. I sure as fucking hell don't want to attend Girl's Night Out. But, the GBFF may take that bullet for you. The point of the Gay BFF is to get him to do all the shit you don't want to do.

Gay dudes aren't just there to get you out of shit you don't want to do. They're also perfect spies.Instead of being that poor schmuck who sits in Forever 21 holding his girlfriend's purse saying, "Yeah, I think the red one matches your eyes. Your ass looks fat in both of those headbands. My mom will probably think you're less of a loud-mouthed whore if you wear that shirt to our next family dinner," get her new Gay BFF to do that annoying shit.

A Gay BFF also (generally) has more to offer in the "new addition" conversations chicks love to have. Here are examples of my speaking skills:

GF: Beth got a new kitten today.
KC: Wow. That sucks.

GF: Laura is pregnant! Isn't that exciting!
KC: Wow. That sucks.

GF: My mom bought a new puppy today.
KC: Oh yeah, what kind?
GF: A Cheeky! It's a Yorkie and a Chihuahua mix.
KC: Does it do anything like fight or fetch or hump legs?
GF: No. It's just super-cute.
KC: Wow. That sucks.

If you're new to the girl scene, you'll know that chicks love to talk. About the dumbest shit. I can hold movie conversations, but unless the movie involves ninjas, motorcycles, explosions, or monkeys, I don't really care. Except for the Scott Pilgrim movie, which has a few of the above necessities. My friends and I will mull over whether Michael Cera was the right choice for the title character or if Ramona Flowers is hot enough in "real life" (a big maybe for both). But otherwise, I don't really give a shit about movies/celebrities/TV shows.

But gay dudes aren't just there to get you out of shit you don't want to do. They're also perfect spies. Your girlfriend tells her Gay BFF shit she'd never tell you, then the homosexual guy will relay that to you. "She hates it when you throw beer cans at the TV every time somebody on Battlestar Galactica says ‘Frak.'" "She'll blow you more if you buy different boots." "She'll think about a girl-girl-midget-you foursome if you think about watching Gilmore Gossip Glee with her."

Sometimes, the mutual hanging out your GF and her Gay BFF do together is its own reward. But you're a thoughtful guy. Forget your girlfriend. She sucks. Buy the GBFF something to show your appreciation for doing all the crap you don't like to do; remember, it could be YOU attending that bridal shower. Maybe it's a t-shirt, a case of beer (gay guys are guys too), or roadkill squirrel in a paper bag. Just show him you're glad he's there.

And then, when your girlfriend finally dumps you because you don't pay enough attention to her, who cares? Stay friends with the gay dude. Not only has he bailed you out of boring shit, he'll also know a ton of chicks who hate their boyfriends.

Note 1: Not all gay guys want to do this type of shit. Some of them are genuinely happy to hang with your girlfriend; other dudes light in the loafers would rather hammer nails with their dongs than shop, dance, or talk.

Note 2: Surprisingly, it doesn't work the other way around. If your girlfriend has a lesbian friend, there's a high chance she doesn't want to join your poker game, Molotov cocktails throwing contest, or porn exchange. But, you never know.

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.