Okay, by the time this is published, I don't even know if my ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan will be in jail or not. It's hard to keep up with her incarceration schedule. But I just have something to say to the good city of Los Angeles California: Guys, let me take care of her.

No offense to you, Los Angeles, but you're not the right city in which to rehabilitate a starlet. I've masturbated to Beyond the Valley of the Dolls before; I know what you're like.

Meanwhile, just being in Ohio qualifies as punishment! We don't even have a Sea World anymore! Send her out here to me and put her under my custody. I'll throw her in my specially designed Lohan storage facility (I have it all ready for just such occasions) and let the healing process begin.

Lindsay Lohan in a bikini bending over

You see, I know Lindsay. She needs the stern hand of a guy with an animal last name. I was always able to keep her in line back when we were dating. The second I would see her reaching for the coke, I'd bust out my treasured copy of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and remind her of how far Megan Fox's career had come since back when they both started out as wee tweens together. Of course, now all she has to do is say the words "Jonah" and "Hex" to derail that argument, but still and all, I'm sure I could conceive of a penalty that would be equally harsh.

Too many people think of spanking as a cruel and unusual way to punish a child, instead of a totally awesome way to punish a hot girl.As penance for her crimes against the universe, perhaps I'd make Lindsay star in a community theater version of Mean Girls, and then spank her.  Or even worse, maybe I'd force her to make an appearance at the local Dairy Queen on car show night, with the Herbie from Herbie: Fully Loaded, and then spank her! Or worst of all, maybe I'd wait till she was reeeal sober and then break the news to her that she was in the special edition of The Underground Comedy Movie, and then spank her!!  The list of potential punishments is very long.

My main point is this though, Los Angeles: Lindsay Lohan needs a spanking, and I'm bored and horny and I wanna do it.

I know as a society we've vilified spanking. Too many people think of it as a cruel and unusual way to punish a child, instead of a totally awesome way to punish a hot girl, but sometimes, when you've run out of options, the old methods are best.

Now before you even say anything, Los Angeles, I know what you're thinking, and yes, you may in fact be right, releasing Lindsay into the custody of Nick Moose may not exactly be putting her in the most sobering of environments. But, God as my witness, I promise not to drink anymore than a twelver of brewskies whilst in her immediate presence, unless I am absolutely certain she's constricted to something with regulation fuzzy pink handcuffs. 

And, while she's handcuffed, I'll force her watch the classic, horrifying, early 90's anti-drug special, Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue!

It features nearly every important cartoon character of the time period, even the ones who clearly were on drugs, like Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles.  (He was after all the "party dude.")  The special, in its entirety, is a thirty minute long hollow abomination, and the stupid cartoon version of Alf is in it, but it will clearly illustrate to her that if she does not change her ways soon, she'll inevitably find herself crawling around in a sewer being harassed by Muppet Babies.

And Los Angeles, if all that fails, I have one last ace up my sleeve. I'll pull out the big guns and call in a true Midwestern staple, the one, the only, McGruff.

And not just some schmuck in a McGruff costume mind you, but the REAL fucking McGruff. (I have connections.) He and his nephew Scruff will give Lindsay a coloring book and then proceed to give her the hard facts about why you should always say nope to dope, and then I'll spank her.

Think it over and get back to me Los Angeles. Thank you for your time.

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