I just got back from Daytona Beach, Florida and boy is my car tired. (Sorry, I got a lot of sun while I was down there.) Anyway, in between beers on the beach, obsessive Corona merchandise, and booting on the Hulk ride at Universal Studios (I'm afraid of rollercoasters, what can I say?), I came to one startling conclusion: the South is full of idiots.

Those who read this know I have a tendency to generalize. Some may call it prejudice, racism, homophobia, diendrophobia (fear of trees to the uninitiated…and yes, trees do scare me). But there is no generalization here. The South is a brooding, scathing pot of shit that's been dragging this country down from day one. And it's time once again for the North to put a bitchslap on it.

Here are eight reasons to declare a Second Civil War on the Short Bus that is the Southern colonies.

1. The South destroyed the NHL.

Small potatoes, yes, but all these dickwad oil millionaires buying hockey franchises has killed the league. There shouldn't be hockey teams in Hotlanta, Nashville, Raleigh, Miami, whatever. All these extra teams have killed the quality of the game and they're one of the main reasons hockey may not last after this year. Yes, I realize I'm one of the last 24 hockey fans in America, but still, can't the South stick to their own hobbies: chewin' tobackey, gunny sack races, and molesting their sisters. And that brings us to…

2. The whole incest thing.

A gross exaggeration. An unfair prejudice. I don't need facts. People from the South bang their blood relatives, and that's sick. Oh, sure there a couple of bad apples up here (I'm looking at you, Vermont, bunch of cow-fuckers), but seriously, what could possibly make you want to play Doctor: Family Edition? Gross.

3. The Confederate Flag.

A sign of your history, you say? Hey, the Swastika was part of history, too. The Confederate flag is a sign of slavery, I don't care what you say. Listen, it's bad enough other countries snicker every time Billy Bob and his Klan Clan go out for a lynchin', but here's a quick history lesson for all you Civil War buffs. You. Fucking. Lost. Get over it. The score is 1-0, and you didn't exactly add Michael Vick in the off-season. Furthermore…

4. The Civil War (cont.)

You. Fucking. Lost. Stop re-enacting the damn thing. I'm a Red Sox fan. You think me and my buddies meet for wiffle ball and say: “Dude, I'll be Buckner, you be Mookie. Goddamn, this is fun…”?

5. Put a goddamn shirt on.

Christ, I know it's hot, but if you have a beer gut that contains its own axis, then maybe you should wear more than a urine-soaked wifebeater.

6. It's called soap.

This ain't Europe, Cletus. Rolling around in one's own feces might be considered clean for piggies, but just because your primary dinnerware is a trough, it'd be nice if you smelled slightly less ripe than Jimmy Hoffa.

7. Stop voting for Bush, fuckheads!

This really is all the South's fault. Yeah, I know, Gore wouldn't have been much better. But Christ, the Bush administration was awful. The guy delivers a speech with the same look my dog gives when she walks into a glass door not realizing it was there.

8. Hooray for God!

Ok, listen. I think it's swell you believe in God, Jesus, whatever. That's fine. I believe in God, too. But listen closely. This is America. Other people have their own religions. That means if I walk into a courthouse, there are a few things I expect not to see. Gnisha, Buddha, a poster for Battlefield: Earth, and the Ten freakin' Commandments. News flash, Godboy, you're religious beliefs are not law. Now, I realize people who complain about this are mostly those non-denominational rejects who cry if a school shows a picture of Santa because it might corrupt young Emmanuel. Certainly the Ten Commandments can't possibly be misconstrued as offensive, but they still represent a religion. Church is still separate from state, so leave it alone. Go see The Passion for the eighth time. And speaking of The Passion (TANGENT ALERT! TANGENT ALERT!), Mark my words, I will never go see that movie. A. I already know the whole story. The whole point of seeing a movie is to be surprised. If Mel Gibson ever made a movie called “The Passion of the Justin,” I wouldn't go see it either. Besides, with my luck, they'd get someone like Pauly Shore to play me. B. The Church and the Catholic League and those religious zealotry groups all want me to go see it. Go fuck yourselves. These are the same cretins who pissed all over Kevin Smith's Dogma—a smart, funny movie that claimed God loves us all, regardless of our beliefs. But suddenly, a movie where Jesus gets the literal bejesus kicked out of him for 2 hours with Mad Max and his Nazi father standing in the background with his hand on his dick is just fine.

So, in conclusion, if the South really thinks it's pumped up for Civil War: The Sequel, I'm all for it. The North has Boston, New York, and Washington. The South has Atlanta, Little Rock, and Raleigh. Whee. Where can you take bets on this one?

More Like This

Comedy Courses