Last week I brought what many of my intellectual contemporaries agree, was the motherfuckin' rukus. I dropped proverbial, borderline literal, bombs on y'all with Part I in my series "The Final Solutions," in which I present vastly complex and delicate social issues like a collection of glass menageries. I then present my tire iron of solutions, and with giant, seemingly reckless swings indoors, I carefully dissect each frail glass unicorn statuette, returning it to a far less faggy state of colorful and dangerous raw material that I will let someone else clean up because I am not a maid.

Michael Jackson steps on the Devil
What's black and white and all over red?
This week we examine the gayest glass unicorn of them all: religion.

The Final Solutions, Part II: Making a Better Religion

A new poll on religious affiliation in the United States finds that the fastest growing population is the secular or non-religious community. And who can blame them when sorting through the litany of unimpressive supernatural options.


A former Heavyweight Religious Superpower fighting to keep its steeple above water. The last influential Catholic was Teddy Kennedy and he killed a woman in a drunk driving accident. The Pope was in the Hitler Youth and sometimes, just sometimes, priests fuck children. The most common rebuttal to this is, "Only some priests fuck kids." But I would argue that "only some of the time" is not an acceptable condition when talking about pedophilia.

Catholic priest teaching young kids in a church
"Don't worry kids, statistically speaking, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about."
Do some car mechanics rip people off? Yes, and three trips to Jiffy Lube, $4000, and two flux capacitors later, I've become suspicious of my own mechanic, Karl. But I still need to bring my car to Karl because I don't know how to replace my flux capacitor; in fact, not even the manufacturer knows what it is. Now if I took my car in and Karl decided to fuck the exhaust pipe instead of fix it, I probably wouldn't take my car back there, and a car is arguably far less important than a child. I will say, in terms of things, as a society, we want to protect from getting sexed with the most, children are number one with a bullet, followed by pets, then oven mitts, pillows, hats, anything you put your hand or face on, and then maybe expensive electronics susceptible to water damage i.e. iPads, studio mixing boards, or the control deck of a helicopter.

So "only some" is not exactly a glowing endorsement of the church and hardly something to put on the community board in front of Saint Michaels: "Come One Come All: Only Some Priests Fuck Kids." So Catholics are out.


4 Mormons with helmets on fixie bicyclesThey took Jesus and made him American. It's rather brilliant from a marketing standpoint. Unfortunately, they are creepy in a short haircut, sweater-with-khakis-during-non-holiday-events sort of way. Not to mention it's a racist organization, and when you sift the minorities—the spice—out of the flour, you are left with just white bread. And with most white people being Christian or smart, there aren't too many Bobs, Toms, and Kathys left to indoctrinate. So based on low capacity, Mormons are out.


Islamic woman with an 'I Have a Bomb' sign on her back
The Middle East version of "I'm With Stupid."
Wildly popular in the Middle East but when the PR campaign in the U.S. for your religion is, "We promise, only some Muslims are actively trying to blow people up," well, I think I've made my point clear about "only some of the time."

None of these suffice, and if you are to take control of a country and wish to promote productivity, adhesion to law, and improve the general morale of a people, you will need some sort of religion and specifically, in the United States, we need something people will love, easily recognize, and that is seriously bad ass. Nay, perhaps just bad.

Michael Jackson as Jesus painting
All hail the King of Pop, the Lord of Men, and the Confusion with Women.
This is why I suggest we immediately adopt Michael Jackson as our nationally mandated Lord and Savior. He possesses all the necessary qualities of deity, he's a globally recognized icon, he can perform miracles (moonwalk), and he is frightening beyond all measure.

As a culture, we need a Lord who speaks English, has awesome outfits, and can dance like a motherfucker. I think that goes without saying. Also, just think about how fucking sweet church would be. It would no longer be the chore people dread on Sunday mornings. It would be on Saturday nights and when you walk in the door, the tiles light up as you step on them. No more shitty organ music: "Fuck no, I don't need the hymn book, ‘Billie Jean' is my fuckin' anthem, son!" And the preacher, instead of "Father" or "Rabbi," will be called "Tito"; he (or she) will resemble Tito Jackson, bedecked in gold sequin suits with the finest Jheri Curls.

Imagine how much more profound and awe-inspiring the sermons would be: "Now we read from the book of Bad, Track 13. ‘And no message could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, then make a change.' This in the name of the King, can I get a ‘Chep ched-ep dat ah, oww!'"

And I know what you are going to say, and yes, Michael Jackson touched kids… but only some of the time.