>>> The News: JAY KAY!

By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
November 10, 2004

The real news (for boring people)

The breakdown (for college people)

Artest Asked Carlisle to Sit Down


INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest said Wednesday that he asked coach Rick Carlisle for time off because of a busy schedule that included promoting a soon-to-be released rap album, which led to his two-game benching.

So the coach got angry that Artest asked for time off, so he punished him by benching him. *Shakespeare rolls over in his grave*

Artest held a short news conference before Wednesday night's game against the Los Angeles Clippers, and in his usual ambiguous manner, tried to explain why he was benched.

“Ummm so…people did things…and then…people did other things…that's about the extent of it.”

Artest said that he asked Carlisle for as much as a month off to heal his aching body and recover from a particularly busy schedule.

Did I say “body”? I meant “aching wallet.” If this album goes platinum I'll be able to make a WHOLE MILLION DOLLARS! In addition to the 68 million I currently earn.Finally, a gold-plated giraffe to call my very own!

“My body has been aching, I was going to take some time off and I said it the wrong way,” Artest said. “Everything that happened wasn't too negative. I kind of surprised the team by wanting to take some games off, just to get back together, maybe stay home for a little bit, rest a little bit and come back.”

Why don't you make like a tree and leaf of absence. (I just made that up. I swear to God.)

He certainly surprised Carlisle, who said Tuesday that the situation, “compromised the integrity of the team. It's a private team matter, and I'm going to leave it at that.”

“It's so private he mentioned how long his cock is. I'll leave it at that. Nine inches long. I'll leave it at that. His cock that is.”

“I don't know what that means,” Artest said. “They probably expected a little more; expected me to play every game. Everybody's different. It's early in the season, so I feel like I could take some time off early and be ready for the long stretch.”

“By the way…my shit hits the fan November 29th, so peep it. It's gonna be a hot album drop, so get it, and drop it, while it's hot.”

So Carlisle benched Artest for Tuesday night's win over Minnesota and Wednesday night's game against the Clippers. It is not a suspension, and Artest will not lose any salary. He will return Friday at Philadelphia.

Okay so he doesn't have to play and he STILL gets paid. That'll learn him.

The 24-year-old is scheduled to release his debut rap album later this month and has been spending a lot of time making promotional appearances.

It's called “Reggie Miller Ain't Got No Shit on Me,” which I figured is a weird and unfunny title. How about you guys?

“I've been doing a little bit too much music, just needed the rest,” Artest said. “I've still got my album coming out Nov. 23. After the album comes out I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship.”

“Well, unless my album does so well, that I'll have another album out before May. Then I'll focus on the second album AND then winning a championship. After all, I'm a basketball player at heart!”

It's the latest in a long line of controversial situations for Artest, ranging from destroying television monitors at Madison Square Garden two years ago to missing the team flight to Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals at Detroit last season.

That was blown way out of context. After destroying television monitors at Madison Square Garden, he then replaced them with books, and told the children “Don't watch that idiot box, it'll rot your mind bro's.”

Carlisle tried to downplay the issue before the game Wednesday night. “This isn't the Cuban missile crisis. It's not life or death, it's not about national security,” Carlisle said. “It's just simply about a group of guys needing to remind ourselves — all of us — about the sanctity of team, and what it's about.”

Oddly enough, in 1964 when the Cuban Missile Crisis was in full swing, Kennedy spoke to the media and said, “This isn't like Ron Artest getting benched here! It's just a fucking missile crisis for crying out loud!”

When asked if he thought the punishment fit the crime, Artest said, “There was no crime done. I think it helped out. I was tired.”

Oh. Oh I see. Well then. Everything seems to be in order. Ummm…I guess we should report about the war in Iraq now? Orr….I dunno. How do newspapers work? I didn't go to journalism school. You neither? Jesus…we're kinda screwed right now huh?! Hahahah. Seriously though, lets get a pizza or something. You guys wanna grab a bite to eat?! We're gonna go grab a bite to eat. Story's over. What's that? Oh I just said that the STORY'S OVER! Ah forget it. Call my cell. I SAID CALL MY— forget it. I'm just gonna call his cell. Ahahahha, So stupid…. Hey dude, your shoe's untied.