>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld January 7, 2004

The real news (for boring people)

The breakdown (for college people)

British Naked Walker Gets Jail Sentence

LONDON – A man trying to walk the length of Britain naked to promote public nudity was convicted Wednesday of breaching the peace and sentenced to three months in jail.

Psht, leave it up to the naked people to walk the length of Britain. Just walk the fucking width, asshole.

Stephen Gough, 44, has endured repeated arrests since setting out in June to walk the 847 miles from Land's End in southwest England to John O'Groats in Scotland's far north.

Doesn't he realize these arrests are just giving him MORE PUBLICITY FOR HIS CAUSE!? When will these nudists learn?

He was most recently apprehended Nov. 29 after residents of Evanton, a village in the Scottish Highlands, complained about his walking through town wearing only boots, socks and a knapsack. He had been released from jail just hours earlier.

In the knapsack was a pair of underwear, a shirt, and yet another knapsack. In that knapsack was a chapstick.

Gough, wearing only a scarlet prison blanket tied with a police belt at his trial in Dingwall Sheriff Court in the Highlands, argued that he had been exercising his right to free expression as guaranteed by the Human Rights Act.

How do police handcuff a man with no arms?! Wait, does naked mean no clothes or no limbs?

“There is no law saying ‘Thou shalt not go naked,'” Gough said. “All I am doing is dressing how I want to dress and believing what I want to believe. … I am taking a stand and I hope that inspires others to do the same.”

I sincerely hope Gough does not represent himself in court because I'm not sure how far the “There's no law saying I CAN'T do this” excuse will hold. Though in England, who knows. I mean, they thought MONTY PYTHON was funny.

He said he had undertaken his hike to “celebrate myself as a human being” and show people the nude body is beautiful, not disgusting.

Well, at least he accomplished one of his goals.

There is no law in Britain against public nudity. However, there are laws against indecent exposure – which requires proof of intent to insult a woman – or any behavior likely to cause “harassment, alarm or distress.”

Oh okay, so you can be naked in public as long as nobody is “alarmed.” That makes sense. My God, how did such a charming man (Hugh Grant) come from such a ridiculous country (England).

Evanton resident Robert Thow, who testified at Gough's trial, said he had reported the naked walker to police because he worried about what effect his appearance might have on women and children.

Because he knew what effect it would have on men: Boners!

“I think there is a time and a place for it,” he said. “I did not think Evanton was the place for it, or any other village.”

“Which is why I shower in this,” Thow said, showing off his wet suit made entirely from dead Irishman.

Sheriff Edward Savage, who also convicted Gough for breaching the terms of his bail, chastised him while handing down the sentence. “You seemed determined, Mr. Gough, to break the law,” he said.

“Also,” Mr. Gough continued, “Your mother is so fat. No wait, I mean, your mother is so ugly. Wait ugh, how does that one go again?”