>>> The Strumpet's Trumpet
By staff writer Allison Parks

February 20, 2008

When it comes to certain things in life, you need your information right away! Some questions demand immediate answers: Who’s your baby’s Daddy? Just what is that in the toilet and why are there feathers on it? What was in that poison you fed your BF? It was just to make him fall asleep, so why isn’t he breathing!? Do you have a shovel handy? Is the ground soft this time of year?

But the time you really need the up-to-date facts is when vital celebrity new breaks! So, take a break from your meaningless jobs and hit one of these websites.

The Superficial – thesuperficial.com

The Superficial was the very first in my now debilitating addiction to celebrity gossip web sties (that's no misspelling). It is written by a hilarious anonymous man who pokes fun at himself in addition to ridiculous celebrity rubes. The only stars he doesn’t hate are the hot ladies who “make his penis explode” i.e. Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale (in her workout clothes), Jessica Biel, and Jessica Alba.

“Perez Hilton isn’t all that funny, except when he draws penises on people’s faces.”

The author’s scathing comments about Lindsey Lohan’s drooping flapjacks, Kirsten Dunst’s protruding snaggleteeth, and Britney’s oily dreadlocks always put a smile on my face and spring in my step. He will even ridicule the unfortunate appearance of certain celebrity offspring, aka “celebuspawn” like the teeny Affleck beast and Bruce and Demi’s girls. (Seriously, what when wrong there? They’re both good looking people. Demi’s Botox must have seeped into the womb. She should have better luck with Ashton, except for the retardation.) The only downside to The Superficial is that the “news” is not updated as frequently as the other sites.

What Would Tyler Durden Do? – wwtdd.com

WWTDD began as a shameless rip off of The Superficial, actually stealing jokes directly from the site—well, I do not think that’s what Tyler Durden would do. In fact, I think Tyler Durden would disapprove of that sort of behavior. The site even has the bottom half of a face as its logo—just like the Superficial. The anonymous writer of WWTDD has a poor grasp of grammar, and less prestigious advertising than comparable sites.

But wait! Despite these downsides, WWTDD is getting funnier and more creative by the day, plus it posts updates more often than The Superficial.

Perez Hilton – perezhilton.com

Perez Hilton isn’t all that funny, except when he draws penises on people’s faces. Sometimes the penises make squirt-squirts onto the person’s face. That always makes me chuckle.

Perez rose to fame because he named himself Hilton, then Paris and Lindsay had a feud that somehow involved him where they called each other cunts and lesbos—Paris being the cunt, Lindsay the lesbo.

Perez says vicious hateful things about self-important celebs and doesn’t hide behind anonymity, and dammit, I like that! He’s even willing to go The View and get a verbal lashing from that cranky menopausal Whoopi.

I’m fond of Perez because he is a raging queen and I don’t have to hear him lust after annoying she-celebs like Jessica “don’t look at my jugs” Alba, also known as Jessica “don’t call me hot, but admire me for my tour-de-force performances in epic cinematic masterworks like Good Luck Chuck” Alba.

TMZ – tmz.com

TMZ is the most professional of all gossip sites. It stands for “thirty mile zone,” meaning the center of Hollywood, though I’m not sure why. I get confused easily.

TMZ, although not intended to be funny, is wonderful because it has continuous updates all day every day. The other sites take the weekend off, but TMZ just keeps on truckin’! After all, celebrities flash their who-whos and shave their heads on the weekend too.

TMZ is always the first site to report those autopsy results you’ve been anticipating, you morbid fucker. And when that Hannah Montana goes to the dark side, and mark my words, she will, TMZ will have the first photos of her pregnant teenage ass, shit-faced and walking down the aisle towards Billy Bob Thorton, while Billy Ray Cyrus sobs and curses the heavens.

It is imperative that you become educated on the latest Hollywood poppycock, so visit these websites, and visit them often. To recap: Head to TMZ for breaking news, Perez for viciousness, The Superficial for laughs, and WWTDD after you’ve gone to the other three. Enjoy your gossip, you sinful bastard.