>>> Beaver Fever
By staff writer Brent Stone
July 1, 2007

Executive: Okay guys, let’s see if we can knock this out in forty-five so we can go get lunch and hit Crazy Horse.

Lackey #1: Sounds good to me, Paul.

Executive: So, does this one need to have any semblance of plot or can we just throw together some old clips of women dancing and cars driving fast?

Lackey #2: Nah, this one’s all into his music… the usual garbage about “artistic integrity” and his fans.

Executive:
Damn.
*Puts on speakerphone*
Wendy, this is going to be a long one—get us some mu shu from Jing Jing’s.
*Ends the call*
Alright, any ideas?

Intern: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’ve got one. What about if we have the rapper as a heroic figure who toils during the day to care for his slowly dying mother, and who is eventually forced to make the choice between the love of a woman and his previously unwavering loyalty, and the decision ultimately leads him to lose his connection to everyone else in this world but his mother. Finally, she passes at the end, and his heartbreak causes him to have a heart attack, but symbolically he has no one to call for help.

“Go get some slutty looking American Idol reject and give her a few bucks.”

Executive: Who are you?

Intern: I’m Jake… the intern… I just started two d-

Executive: Jack, I’m really fascinated that you’re busy earning your fancy USC film degree. It’s very important to me. The thing is, I don’t know who gave you your internship, but I’m taking it away if you don’t find me my mu shu and bring it here now.

Intern: Yes sir.

*Hangs his head and leaves*

Executive: Okay, anyone have any real suggestions?

Lackey #1: How about if the one guy’s girlfriend is cheating on him with another guy?

Executive: I like that… it could have a car chase in it!

Lackey #1: A car crash!

Executive: Okay, any other ideas?

Lackey #2: How ‘bout they’re robbing a bank?

Lackey #1: None of this hand-the-teller-a-note bullshit either; they’ll rob it with a helicopter and a tank.

Lackey #2: Oh man, I’ve got it! So the rapper goes to rob a bank with his arsenal, and he gets away, but the police are searching for him, so he goes back to his house to grab his unbelievably attractive girlfriend so they can fly to Mexico, but when he comes home he finds her cheating on him with another man, and he chases the other guy when he drives away. Then the wife chases both of them in her car, and they cause her to crash and die, then they hug each other over her body in the hospital as her heartbeat flatlines.

Lackey #1: Can we make them cry diamonds or something?

Executive: Sure, whatever.

Lackey #1: Should we get somebody famous for the girl?

Executive: Nah, I don’t want to pay a salary like that. Just go get some slutty looking American Idol reject and give her a few bucks. Now let’s talk car chase.

Lackey #2: How about one’s driving a Ferrari, the other’s in a Maserati, and she’s following them in a tricked-out Hummer?

Executive: Good. Empty, dangerous mountain roads or freeway?

Lackey #2: Freeway, but in the wrong lane with oncoming traffic.

Executive: I like it. Special effects?

Lackey #1: Explosions…. First her car explodes when it crashes, then they both get out of their cars, which, for no reason and without warning, explode right behind them.

*Phone rings, executive picks up*

Executive: Uh huh… uh huh…. Now? She was sick last week and I picked her up; why can’t you get her? … I don’t give a shit about your book club—my alimony is paying for all the catered delicacies; let your friends sit around, eat those, and gossip like middle school children while you go get your daughter from school. … God damnit Liz. … Fine, fine, you win.

*Hangs up phone, mutters “cunt”*

Executive: Guys, I’ve gotta go… just forget all this, rent a yacht, and have the rapper pour some champagne on some strippers or something.

Lackey #2: Works for me.

Executive: Oh, and John never found me my mu shu… fire him.

Later, at home…

Stereotypical white kid who listens exclusively to rap music #1: Holy shit dude, this is the tightest video ever—I heard Lil’ Skip designed the whole thing himself, bro!

Stereotypical white kid who listens exclusively to rap music #2: Wow, I don’t care what my dad says; rap music is totally art, man.

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