>>> Beaver Fever
By staff writer Brent Stone
January 2, 2008

Well, the New Year, and the last two weeks of sitting at home playing video games and gambling on the internet haven’t really inspired me to write anything world-changing. As you may know, when we ring in the New Year, everybody makes resolutions, myself included. And, since I hear Court’s raising the list quota for 2008, I figured it’d be good to get started early. Also, just for laughs, I’ve included the likelihood of me actually doing any of this.

Go to the gym.

Actually, I’ve been doing this for the past few months, though less publicly than Nate, and, from the sound of it on his blog, with slightly less significant results (though I’m still looking damn sexy). Nonetheless, the holiday season has given me an excuse to slack off (I’m back at my mom’s old people gym, for one).

Anyway, the point is I need to keep it up for no particular reason other than it’s nice to be in good shape again.

Likelihood: 8

Eat healthy.

If I had a dog named Healthy, that’d be a great joke. Anyway, unlike Nate, I haven’t been restricting my diet except that I try not to get cheesecake after dinner when I go out. Delicious, delicious cheesecake. I will marry any reader out there who can make a fantastic cheesecake, and we can live off my poker winnings in rural Columbia, where the strength of the dollar will allow me to build a mansion and drive a solid gold car.

Anyway, I need to stop with all the crap I eat and subsist on purely skinless chicken breast and asparagus.

Likelihood: 4

Drink more.

Alright, boring health things aside, last quarter I didn’t drink much at all. Don’t get me wrong, I still drank enough to get lectured by a couple of medical professionals, but I hold myself to a more realistic standard than that.

Anyway, I’m a junior in college, damnit, and I feel like I’m shirking my duties. On top of that, the majority of my binge drinking was purely beer, so I didn’t have many fun blackout antics. I miss those antics, and next quarter’s a 6-nights-a-week of drinking kind of quarter.

Likelihood: Fucking 12 billion or something.

Introduce to the world to the Tokyo Iced Tea.

Alright, first things first—I’m curious if any readers have heard of this drink before. It’s fantastic, and a few friends and I have asked around at all our respective homes, and it seems that only a couple of bartenders in New York know what the thing is. It’s delicious, and if you know how to float things when making drinks, women will be really impressed and want to sleep with you.

Here’s the recipe—spread the gospel.

Build in a highball glass filled with ice (not a red cup, you cheap environment-hating bastard you).

1/2 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Gin
1/2 oz. Light Rum
1/2 oz. Triple Sec

Fill with sweet & sour.

Splash of Sprite.

Float Midori.

Likelihood: I’m going to be drunkenly evangelizing about it, so the question is what will you do, good reader?

Go to the zoo.

I dunno, I just haven’t been to the zoo in a while, and the animals are always really cool. Just seems like it’d be fun, that’s all.

Likelihood: 9

Write more.

So, you may have noticed that I don’t turn in my articles every week. What you don’t know is how late I turn them in. If Court was my English teacher, he’d be giving me a D. He’s not, though, and he just beats me in the back room instead. Witzman’s body is there. For the love of God, send help—please.

Anyway, next year I’m turning things in every week on time.

Likelihood: 6 on the every week, 2.5 on the on-time (sorry Court).

Always remember the gimmick of my column.

Alex’s Video Corner

This week’s video comes from loyal reader Cait. This will be creepy for her at first, because she didn’t actually send it to me. Instead, we’re Facebook friends, and I saw she joined a group about it. Yeah, I’ve had some free time over this break. Anyway, thanks Cait!