Donald Trump with crazy hair-do

Rich people are fucking assholes. I know what you're thinking: "Oh, he's just jealous that he can't give a series of donations to a religious group he's affiliated with, comparably miniscule to the alloted tax burden, then write said donation off as charity and not pay said taxes." Or maybe, "Oh, he's just mad because his parents couldn't afford to buy him Nikes, so he had to wear the Payless brand Shaq shoes during basketball season." And to that I say, "If I watched a home movie of Pistorius and his ex-girlfriend having sex, do I have to admit I've masturbated to handicapped porn?"

But really, I'm not talking about the Chihuahua purses bejeweled with diamonds that still have Ugandan child blood on them. I'm not talking about the I'm-not-sure-how-to-reconcile-my-fear-of-violence-in-the-areas-I-vacation-in-and-my-active-contribution-to-it-so-I'm-going-to-adopt-a-multinational-band-of-poverty-stricken-children-and-house-them-in-a-$15-million-home-so-they-can-verbally-abused-underpaid-maids-from-their-individual-countries. I'm not even going to address that some rich prick had the bright idea of fixing the price of a 12-pack of Bud Ice to closely mirror that of a box of condoms to prompt a choice no white trash person would really ever consider making. It doesn't even really matter to me that the rich perpetuate the myth of meritocracy as if the typical, hard-working wealthy businessman who was likely born with successful parents, put in successful school systems, and has had marginally successful encounters with the opposite sex didn't have a leg-up on the failing florist who never rose to the top of his trade ("rose," get it? Play-on-words. Hey-oh!).

But rich people really are assholes; I have proof.

Rich people's yachts all crashed at a dock

5. Rich people are less empathetic.

A study done by UC-Berkeley showed that the rich are less likely to display empathy than your average Joe. Unless you're talking about Joe Rogan. And we don't talk about Joe Rogan when Joe Rogan isn't around.

4. The rich are more likely to cheat.

That's right, another research team at UC-Berkeley found the rich more often break the rules. The study revealed that the wealthy were more likely to break the rules to get a prize and were also more likely to "take candy from children"(I couldn't make this shit up). The latter, of course, thoroughly pissing off the benevolent individuals hanging out in windowless vans and spending entire evenings trying to hand candy out. Maybe Ursula Reichert-Habbishaw wasn't crazy to be watching Richard Gere so closely in the Game of Life.

3. Rich people are sociopaths.

In psychologist Dacher Keltner's research, he found that stockbrokers were more driven and numb to how their occupational decisions affected others than psychopaths, and many even admitted to having no moral issue with hurting somebody else to get ahead. After the release of the study, an Occupy Wall Streeter tweeted, "Man, not surprised by those corporate heathens – sent from my iPhone."

2. The wealthy are less able to recognize facial expressions.

A research team at UC-San Francisco took time off from playing spin the bottle of anal lube and found that in a study of 300 people, the rich were consistently less able than lower socioeconomic classes to distinguish which emotional state the facial expressions of people in photos characterized. In fact, for half of all emotions, rich participants answered, "Jeff Goldblum being contemplative," and for the other half, "Kristen Stewart miscellaneous."

1. The rich prefer drama, the working-class prefer comedy.

A Spanish study revealed that the elite, intellectual upper-class attend more dramatic entertainment, while the proletariats would rather enjoy a comedy. This reinforces my hypothesis that all recreation for the affluent involves simulating the conditions of the indigent in a controlled setting. Drama simulates the everyday plight of the impoverished, skydiving simulates suicide, having sex with a condom simulates having sex without a condom, and golf simulates having to dress up in a costume and swing a bunch of sticks with some guys who will all eventually get it in the hole so you can make a few extra dollars.