As a consumer these days, I am rarely satisfied with the performance of a product compared to its claims in an advertising campaign. Advertisers have stopped even trying to accurately represent their product and instead have decided to use their commercials as subtle resumes to break into the science fiction movie genre.
Advertisers are now mocking consumers mercilessly and preying on people who are feeling dissatisfied with their reality, because of the current state of the economy. We've all been to a restaurant and ordered something that looks nothing like the picture. At this point, it has almost become a given that what's advertised and what you get will never actually be the same. However, lately the advertising industry has begun taking advantage of this and escalating things to a whole new level. For instance, advertising in the gum industry has gotten WAY out of control. As an open-minded consumer, I would love to journey to outer space, but then sometimes I just want a freakin' piece of gum.
Yeah, that's about all it does.It used to be just gum, with commercials showing kids chewing it and blowing bubbles, which let's face it, is about the extent of what gum can do. Then the commercials got more imagery intensive, with waves of flavor carrying consumers away and fruit exploding all around them in some kind of strange metaphor on how flavorful their gum is. As a consumer you would just buy it, unwrap it, and chew it. Your expectations were very low and perhaps you would think to yourself, "Hmm this is very flavorful" and be perfectly satisfied.
These days buying gum is a lesson in consumer disappointment when compared to the product's advertising and packaging. For instance I randomly bought a pack of gum called "5" which, in itself, is kind of a surreal name. This gum comes in a package that looks much like a cigarette package. The flavor was called "Cobalt." Of course, my first thought was, "Oh, I've never tasted cobalt before, I wonder what it tastes like…"
Cobalt isn't a flavor, it's a metallic element.After about twenty minutes of trying to get into the little box my gum came in, I discovered there were 15 pieces! Surely this gum should have been called "15" not "5," although I wasn't complaining since I now had three times as much gum as I originally thought I purchased. You see, apparently I missed the obvious reference of the gum's name due to its degree of impossibility. 5 supposedly refers to the fact that this gum stimulates your five senses. Now I don't know about the advertising executives over at Wrigley, but as a human being my five senses consist of:
1. Taste – Okay, sure, it's gum, this is to be expected.
2. Smell – Alright, I pretty much expect to smell the gum as I chew it.
3. Touch – Now we're reaching, but I suppose a good corporate lawyer could argue that since I'm tasting it with my tongue I must be touching it too, but now we are grasping at straws.
4. Sight – Um, okay, so I see the gum before I put it in my mouth and that's supposed to be some kind of a big deal for my eyes?
5. Hearing – Oh come on! Hearing myself chew shouldn't be credited to the gum, I could hear myself chew anything.
Get 'em hooked while they're young.This claim to stimulate my five senses is a long shot at best, but I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I quickly turned my attention back to the box to check the ingredient list for some sort of hallucinogen. I figured adding some kind of psychotropic drug was about the only way that they could substantiate their claim to stimulate all five of my senses. Other than a safety warning there was nothing else printed on the box, except little psychedelic swirlies on the inside. Perhaps there really is LSD in this gum, in which case I certainly owe them a huge apology for doubting their advertising claim.
The safety warnings said:
"Allergy Information: Contains Soy Lecithin"
"Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine"
"Questions? Comments? Call 1-800-974-4539"
I have half a mind to call them and say, "Yes I have a question: ‘WHAT THE HELL?!'"
I searched my mind for anything I could recall from the store display, but all I could remember was that the other two flavors were "Rain" and "Flare." But I bought Cobalt. You see, I know what Rain tastes like because I've drunk water before, and Flare, well that just seemed kind of painful to me. I then decided to look up the commercial for this gum online to see if it contained any more information.
I'm okay to go! I'm okay to go! I'm okay to go…The advertisment starts with the phrase, "How it feels to chew 5 gum…" Then a huge turbine engine fires up and a man who is apparently Jodi Foster's body double in Contact climbs into a gyroscope and gets dropped into a tube. This tube then launches him into a giant circular room full of turbine engines and he proceeds to ride around on the air currents. We don't see what happens to him, but I've seen the movie Contact so I presume he went on to have a conversation with his deceased father. After he realizes it isn't actually his father, but an alien, he will experience some time distortion issues and be globally ridiculed.
Clearly I am chewing it wrong, because to me it just tastes like peppermint, and I can't even blow any decent bubbles with it.
Luckily I have 14 other pieces to try and get that oh so certain, Jodie Foster in Contact effect.