Gay guy with Santa hat on

He says: "I've had sex with over 40 women."
He means: "I only have sex with women over 40 because they're more receptive when I begin to cry."

He says: "Hey asshole, wake me up when your alarm goes off!"
He means: "Wake me up, before you go-go."

He says: "Nothing's really on. I'm just watching a re-run of the French Open a few years back on ESPN Classic."
He means: "Kill me by AndyRoddasphyxiation!"

Andy Roddick shirtless on tennis court

He says: "God, queers make me fucking sick!"
He means: "I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about men blowing each other, which makes me feel conflicted."

He says: "You're a pussy!"
He means: "If pussy is a derogatory term, I must not like them that much.”

He says: "Hands down, the greatest movie ever is Rocky 3."
He means: "It is, motherfucker, just deal with it. Steel Magnolias is a close second, though."

He says: "I got me deer; he put up a good fight. I thought my rifle wasn't going to be enough to take down his…hooves."
He means: "Don't you just love nature?"

White-tailed deer
You: "Look at that rack!" Your friend: "Ew, no."

He says: "Look at the size of the shit I just took!"
He means: "Look at the size of what can fit in my ass!"

He says: "Go Packers!"
He means: "I want to watch gay porn, but since my urges confuse me, I'm going to opt for the more socially acceptable alternative of watching a gang of large black men jump on top of the white protagonist who just removed an oblong object from beneath another man….but with helmets on."

His Dodge Ram says: "Vroom, vroom, excessive acceleration!"
His Dodge Ram means: "I'm called a Dodge RAM for Christ's sake!"

He says: "I wrestled in high school."
He means: "I wrestled in high school."

He says: "I can bench 350."
He means: "Feel my pecs."

He says: "Vegans are a bunch of douchebags."
He means: "Vegans are a bunch of douchebags, but veggie burgers aren't that bad."

Man and a woman eating salad
"Who wants to hear about how I get enough protein?"

He says: "What's next, women are gonna be able to be president, too!?"
He means: "Good for you, Hilary, good for you."

He says: "Homosexuality is a CHOICE!"
He means: "Homosexuality is the RIGHT CHOICE!"

(At Starbucks) He says: "Yeah, I'll just take whatever. No, it doesn't matter. Whatever's seasonal. Sure, that's fine. No, no heat sleeve."

He says: "I'd totally hit her!"
He means: "I'd totally hit her for wearing white after Labor Day!"

He says: "I was in the Boy Scouts."
He means: "As a child, I hung out exclusively with other boys, was given participation jewelry, and voluntarily wore a scarf. Oh, and I sold baked goods."

He says: "Haha, it's only gay if you make eye contact!"
He means: "Staring contest, Brent."

He says: "Gays cause hurricanes and other disasters!"
He means: "All gay people are X-men."

He says: "I play fantasy football!"
He means: "I played Pokémon cards growing up and need an alternative as a front, but one that doesn't make me gay. In fantasy football, you get players and are awarded based on their skills. In Pokémon cards, you do the same thing. So everyone else was cool for drafting Brett Favre, but I was GAY just because I blew ONE guy for a holographic Charizard?"

Holographic Charizard from Pokemon (meme)
It was.

He says: "I can never remember the difference between a homogenous or heterogenous mixture."
He means: "I always remember which one is homogenous, because I too love a man in uniform."

He says: "All gay marriages should be annulled."
He means: "If I can't have him, nobody will."

He says: "Hell yeah! Chest bump!"
He means: "We're both kind of drunk, where's this thing going?"

He says: "Brokeback Mountain is bullshit, cowboys wouldn't bang each other!"
He means: "Sheep generally don't fight back and their wool feels nice."

Sheep wool
You're about to hear a baaaaaaad pun.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.