Everyone I know is all hopeful and excited by the arrival of the "New Year" and what it holds in store. Well personally I think 2010 can suck it! I'm not excited about 2010 at all; in fact, I'm rather disappointed with the progress of the human race in general.

2010 movie poster
The Year We Make Contact
Hey, I'm not trying to be a buzz kill or anything, but let's not forget that this was supposed to be a landmark year for humankind. It was supposed to be the year we made contact (according to the movie). The year some cool alien dudes turn Europa into a new Earth by monolithing the fuck out of Jupiter in order to increase it's density to the point that nuclear fusion would occur, transforming Jupiter into a small star. But from what I can tell, the only thing that's been getting more and more dense around here is the human race itself.

Sure, we've made some minor progress in our society but it always seems to be followed by some major backsliding ignorance. For instance, we elected the first African American president. Don't get me wrong, that's cool as hell, but seriously should have happened decades ago. Then Obama's election was followed by this major ridiculous FAIL to grant people civil liberties by denying them the right to marry who ever they want to. I'm not sure why people give a crap about the sanctity of a gay marriage when straight people can't even seem to get it right *coughTIGERcough.*

Then there's this whole debate on whether or not Adam Lambert crossed a line that Madonna, Britney, and Christina Aguilera already obliterated back in 2003, if not long before. As far as I'm concerned, Madonna's onstage kisses were WAY more globally traumatizing, because now whenever anyone daydreams about Madonna, Britney, and Christina making out, they end up screaming in terror, "NO NO NO!! Jesus H. Christ, get the fuck out of here Missy Elliott!! WHO THE HELL INVITED YOU TO THIS FANTASY!!"

Naughty Aughties, the dawn of the new millenium
If we can't agree on a name, how can we agree on anything else?
MMX should be the year of mind blowing technology that could only have been thought up by the late Gene Roddenberry and yet we still can't even agree on what to call this past decade. Is it the Two-Thousands? The Zeros? The Double Zeros? The Ohs? The Double Ohs? The Naughts? The Aughts? The Naught Aughts? The Naughties? The Aughties? The Naughty Aughties?! What the fuck people?! Isn't there a committee or something that we can pour millions of dollars of stimulus money into so we can sort this out and have conversations without stuttering like Porky Pig? I haven't heard a conversation yet, about the last decade, that doesn't include some kind of two-minute tangent on which is the correct way to refer to it. I say we skip this next decade numerically altogether and bring on the twenties so there is no ambiguity. Of course then some jackass will say annoying shit like, did you know that in actuality this is the tens or the teens since we decided to skip those numbers?

While we are on the subject of annoying date citing jackasses, let me beat you assholes to the punch. YES, I know that the decade doesn't officially end until December 31st of 2010, because there was actually no year zero. The simple fact that you keep reminding people of this gem of wisdom at social functions is the EXACT reason why you ironically BECOME the missing "zero" at the NEXT social function.

As far as technologies we do have, I know that all the iPhone zombies will comment about the amazingly cool "touch" technology out today. Truthfully, it just irritates me to see people using touch technology, because every action is telegraphed a million times more then it needs to be. Newsflash, you don't need to poke my fucking eye out when you're scrolling on your iPhone next to me.

Roomba vs. I, Robot
Clean my floor, please!
Computers are certainly better then they were in the last decade, but not nearly as cool as I expected them to be by this time. Remember, we were supposed to have HAL 9000s back in 2001 with only a few psychotic homicidal glitches to work out. By now, I was expecting robots struggling with their humanity instead of a clunky disc that pretends to clean my floor, as long as I sit there staring at it to make sure it doesn't get stuck under a chair for 3 hours and then eventually run out of batteries.

Man on a cell phone with tentacles
I have to take this call.
Oh and for the record, as far as any future robot/human war goes, I'm calling it now: the robots will clearly hand us our asses in any kind of conflict. From what I see, humans are already voluntarily becoming complete slaves to technology. This technology we're all so bound to has difficulty making a simple consistent phone call, let alone holding a plasma rifle. Actually, the only time I feel really positive about technology advancement is when I go to the grocery store and the door opens by itself as I approach it. That shit is way cool and I smile almost every time it happens, even if it is decades old—it makes me feel bad ass, like Captain Kirk. Of course, then I get to the produce section of the store and my spirits sink back to today's reality again. It's 2010 and I still have to plan a goddamn week or more in advance to eat a banana, because they're all fucking green! We're supposed to be the evolved primates, but every monkey I've ever seen doesn't have the same banana issues we seem to have!

I guess for now I will have to accept the fact that we don't have space travel, teleporters, replicators, a utopic peaceful society, and all the other things alluded to in past decades' sci-fi movies. One thing that I really do have trouble accepting though is the lack of progress in the automobile industry. It has been hundreds of years since the very first gas-powered cars were invented and we're basically still struggling to improve on the idea. Yes, they've made some minor improvements, but basically cars are still just a shell on wheels, driven by a gasoline-powered internal combustion engine. I may be able to plug an MP3 player into my car now, but I'm still paying over $30 at the pump to fill it up with a substance that we have killed people in other countries for. It disappoints me that there isn't something more advanced by now…something besides a random dude's million dollar science project somewhere.

As a kid I remember imagining that we would be cruising around in solar-powered flying cars by now, but it appears once again that progress hasn't lived up to my expectations. So like I said, 2010 can suck it! Perhaps if we stopped handing out Nobel prizes like Cracker Jack toys, we could get some people actually working on these things in the next decade, instead of people just "intending" to working on them. Regardless, whenever I think of the human race's lack of overall progress, I can't help but think of one of the most awe-inspiring, monumental speeches of this past decade: