My mom and brother (Med Bot) visit Korea for some sightseeing, food, people, and general good times. This is my diary of the momentous occasion.

Day 1: Thursday

My mommy and middle brother Med Bot (short for Medium Bot—I'm Big Bot, my youngest bro is Lil Bot) decided they missed me enough to travel 7,000 miles to Seoul, South Korea from Denver, Colorado. I didn't actually look into hotels and stuff until a week and a half before they arrived, so they're uh, staying in the same bed in the same room. Which just so happens to be on top of a whorehouse.


We didn't do much except hug and talk. They're both tired from the 26-hour flight. I'm going to eat some Wheat Chex.

Day 2: Friday

Today is a Friday, so I have to work in the morning, but not at night. I come directly home to see my mom and brother. They're still really sleepy. I take them to see a little bit of the area. They are very close to a luxury mall, which neither are really interested in. We eat chicken and pork cutlets, some curry, and a "Mexican pizza." The Mexican pizza doesn't feature cheese, tomato sauce or anything Italian or Mexican. But, my mom likes it so that's that.

Hyper Bishi Bashi arcade game machine
Bishi Bashi at the arcade. Color me crazy!
I take the fam to my favorite arcade, where we play a crazy Japanese game called Bishi Bashi Tower. Basically, you hit some buttons really fast and the game yells at you in a language you don't understand. Then Med Bot and I play a ball-throwing game where you try to kill jungle animals. It's the most fun $2 can buy. However, Mama Freeman is not entertained.

After games we try to walk to a park, but it starts raining so my mom goes home and Med Bot and I chill in an amphitheater and catch up. He tells me about the Super Bowl, which I completely forgot existed.

Later, we eat chicken barbecue, which is delicious. My mom meets Andy and Robot, who help explain Korean stuff that I don't understand (which is a lot). My fam is still jet lagged—26 hours on a plane will do that to you—so we go up to the hotel and Andy helps me figure out how to use my mom's air conditioner.

Then Robot, Andy and I go out to the bars, then to Club LA, where for the first time, there are girls out. But I'm too tired to do anything but pretend to know how to dance.

Day 3: Saturday

I sleep in and am 35 minutes late. As a true genius, I blame my closest available parent. "Hey, this is my Saturday. I usually sleep in past 10 a.m. It's not my fault you have jet lag." This is where my dad would have beaten me senseless, but luckily, my mom just calls me a smartass.

A drunken adjashi explains in 25% Korean, 15% English, and 98% drunkenness about where to find the cutest girls and how great of a country the "UKA" is. We are off to see our first real sights. We eat Vietnamese Pho, which is very delicious, and then head to the bus station. A strange Korean college student grabs my ass and calls me a pussy. This is my friend Taeik. When he realizes my mom is standing right next to me, he turns off his usual drunken whore-charmer self and turns into a precious moment, mom-charming Korean college student. He bows and shakes hands as we catch the bus to Insadong, where we shop until we drop. My mom proves to be incredibly difficult to please. She's looking for a magical jade ring in silver that will be so cheap, the jeweler actually pays her to take it. I've told her numerous times, "Jade isn't really that popular here," but she doesn't believe me. We look at every jeweler we see until my eyes almost start to bleed.

My mom finally buys some bookmarks. We go to where I think she should buy a music box, but she doesn't. She doesn't want a royal stamp made either. She also prefers not to do anything I want, which is starting to drive me crazy.

After this, we walk to Gyeonbokgoon, Korea's largest and most famous palace. We see the ninja guards and King Somebody's throne.

Mom and brother in front of a South Korean palace

And then it starts to rain. My mom is cold so I give her my sweatshirt. She worries about me getting sick, but I remind her I'm invincible and keep walking. The palace is gigantic. I think I know the way out, but I can't find it. I try to take them to the Korean Folk Museum, which is really interesting, but instead we arrive at the Korean Palace Museum, which is about as fun as watching The Aviator in slow motion.

An adjumma (Korean old lady) makes polite conversation with my mom and asks if they can be friends. My mom is a little freaked out, but I try to explain that the Korean lady is just being nice. Then we jump on the subway, where a drunken adjashi (Korean old dude) makes friends with Med Bot. He explains in 25% Korean, 15% English, and 98% drunkenness about where to find the cutest girls and how great of a country the "UKA" is. I let Med Bot enjoy the local yokel who ends up using Med Bot as a handhold.

Our long subway ride ends, so we go to my area and eat Kimchi Chi-gae, which is kimchi stewed with pork. I like it, but my mom gets chicken teriyaki bi bim bop. She enjoys this. I explain that this is one of my favorite restaurants, and the imo (female restaurant owner) treats us like royalty. I try to find the male owner who looks like a Korean version of Regis Philbin, but he's out playing "Who Wants to Be a Korean Millionaire."

In an attempt to look really cool, I go to a crane game, toss in a dollar and win a really cool Zippo with skulls. I am amazed at how easy this is. I don't know who is more surprised, my mom, brother, the drunk watching us, or me.

I take the kin to my place, which is clean. Before we enter, I explain that my bed isn't made, but that I have a good excuse. My mom doesn't believe me. I tell her the ceiling over my bed is only three feet tall, but she doesn't believe me. Then she sees my ceiling, and finally believes me. She is impressed by how clean the place is, except for the walls.

"You know, KC, I would say take down the unseasonable Christmas decorations, but then you wouldn't have anything on your walls," she explains.

"Nah. Look. There are some Post-It notes. And there's a picture."

"That's a Chinese dollar bill taped to the wall."

"Yeah. That's a picture."

Maybe she's tired from all the shopping, or pointing out my interior decorating flaws (which, admittedly, are a lot).

On the walk, two girls call my name. These girls work at my gym and I've been trying to bang one of them and trying to not bang the other. The three of us carry a conversation in Konglish (half Korean and half English). The trainer I don't like called me "fat" when she did a physical on me, but I don't think she meant it to be mean, she just sucks at speaking English and breaking the news lightly.

So, in review, I've won a Zippo from a crane game, run into a buddy, eaten a bunch of great meals, seen neat sights, given my mom my hoodie to keep warm, and had two really attractive girls call my name on the street. Tonight, I'm looking the coolest I've ever looked.

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