Life got you down? Is your parole officer really annoying? Do your kids refuse to look at you or acknowledge your prescence?

I used to be just like you: fat, ugly, stupid, fingers stained orange from Cheetos you ate a day ago. But then I saw something one day on tv. I was at the lowest point in my life: I had just been laid off by the porn company I worked for and my girlfriend has just dumped me because she found out I was a male porn actor who starred in upwards of 500 adult films a year. I was sitting in front of my tv, crying and sneezing. On it was a football team, running the wildcat offense. I thought if they can do it with that much success, then I can too!

And I never looked back. I started running the wildcat offense at work, in bed with my wife, and brushing my teeth. Now here I am standing before you on tv, with designer contacts that cost me 5,000 dollars and a half-naked woman standing next to me who would never even look at me if we were both a party. We won't even talk after this shoot, probably.

You too can run the wildcat offense! You too can turn your life around.

It is guaranteed to bring you success and only takes several months of preparation. If you call right now, I'll throw in 3 extra plays!

Imagine how everyone will look at you when they see you running the wildcat offense in church, during a haircut, or while taking your Saturn off a cliff.

Did you know your friends laugh at you behind your back? Did you know that? No? Your family too.

But I'll tell you the one thing everyone, no matter who they are, respects: the wildcat offense. There are whole religions in the Middle East that pray to the wildcat offense as their one true god and giver of life and peace.

If you call the number on the bottom of your screen, the top of your screen, and flashing on the right there right now, I will send you an extra DVD titled "The Key to World Peace And Eternal Happiness And Youth Forever" starring the Wildcat Offense.

For just three payments of your dog, your sex life, and your right pinky toe, the Wildcat Offense will be yours!