Quick right now, tell me. WITHOUT LOOKING. You don't really know, do you. Nobody does… except in TWO circumstances.

1- As you got out of the shower, you took a glance in the mirror, and gave yourself half a stiff (or bit your lip and shuddered, if female.) From this point until you drunkenly come to tears… I mean terms with your surrender at the wee hour of 4:30 am, you're entertaining the possibility of a consenting piece of ass falling into your lap. And this shift in outlook all begins with your decision to wear your sexy (read: silky, obnoxious, and most resembling of a pop-up book)* pair of undergarments.

2- You have a Gee-Eff or sig-other that is coming over so you put on “the frogs”** for him/her.

I came to this conclusion as I noticed today that I was wearing one-with-nature TEAL tighties rather than the athletic-doesn't-cuddle grey tighties that I distinctly remember putting on earlier. Pardon my mistake: the room was dark.

That pardon explain, however, how I crossed the apartment into someone else's room, and mentioned how I was wearing grey tighties without looking down.

And Yes, I wear tighties from time to time. I'm as surprised as you. When I converted to boxers when I was about oh… girl-liking age, I thought it would be final. But somehow those tighties, like a permanent hand around your package, lures you back in. First it was athletic jogging shorts, then boxer briefs, and now tighties.

Don't get me wrong, I still have guidelines:
– No Whities, all my undies are colored.
– Dance… it's what they're for.
– Boners… ever seen a ferocious tiger caught in a hunter's net? It's art.
– Know how gay you look. Now you're being ironic. Cool!

Until I do a full-featured expose on panty types and what they mean… (Hint: Girls who wear batman undies are in actuality 6 year old boys). I'll just keenly note that girls' undies are more exciting and suspenseful than boys'. This also applies for the respective genitalia. Proof: try to say the following sentence with a sense of wonderment and awe.

Dude, I think i'm going to get some penis, tonight.

*Again for the ladies: frilly, revealing, or spankable
** the frogs are cute, plus she got them for you, and you might as well give her a little surprise.