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Enjoy the Onion but wish it wasn't as funny? You're in luck! Here's my version of “The Radish”… or something.
Apple Valley, Minnesota—Area man Daniel Roberts has an unblemished streak of bringing up at least one recent New York Times article into every conversation, sources reported Tuesday. “It doesn’t matter what the topic is: sports, religion, science – he finds a way to mention the New York Times,” said friend Ryan Nelson.
Making this streak even more impressive is the fact that Roberts doesn’t even read the Times every day. “I try to read at least half of the Sunday paper, and one or two of the other ones, but even that kind of takes up a lot of time,” he acknowledged. “Still, that’s usually enough to use in conversation, especially if I segue well.”
Some of Roberts segues include referencing an article on increased Iraqi violence after a friend suggested trying a new Middle Eastern restaurant, comparing a friend’s recent break-up to a piece on continuing anti-trust litigation against software giant Microsoft, and his personal favorite, mentioning that Seinfeld star Jason Alexander was a crossword clue during a conversation about the decline of situational comedy.
“That one was tough,” the somewhat avid Times reader admitted. “I normally don’t read the crossword, and the NYT doesn’t usually have a lot of articles about television. I definitely had to dig deep on that one.”
Not everyone is impressed with Roberts’s savant-like ability however. Ex-girlfriend Kristen Marshall scoffed at the notion that his skill is impressive, noting, “He just does it so people will think he’s smart of something.”
“Most of his segues don’t even make sense,” she continued. “He just takes any opportunity to shove in a random article into whatever he’s talking about.”
When asked if this habit had contributed to the decline of their 13 month long relationship, which ended in November of 2006, Kristen just pursed her lips and said, tersely, “It didn’t help.”
Still, most of his friends and family seem pleased with this ability. Said mother Francine Miller-Roberts, “We’ve always taught our Danny that knowledge is meant to be shared, and he’s really made us proud of him. He’s quite worldly.”
Added father Michael, “It’s just like USA today said last week. Humans really use a pretty small portion of their brains. Dan’s just helping take some of the load off.”
Daniel was demure about the idea that his gift is an extraordinary one. “I’m just a guy that likes the Times, once in a while. But who is extraordinary, is this Indian kid who got his PhD at like 12 and is working as a doctor. It was totally in the Science Times last Sunday.”