Rich: The high today is 78. The low today is 55. It’s the fist day of November.
Steve: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why everyone keeps moving here. This whole state could be a giant sinkhole that gets annually raped by hurricanes and they’d still keep coming in droves.
Rich: You could pave the whole state, raise taxes by ten percent and charge admission to every beach and they’d still keep coming.
Me: Well yeah, because it would still be better than Detroit in the winter.
Rich: Hell would be better than Detroit in the winter, dude.
Steve: Yeah, but not by much.

Mark: Is that bartender drunk?
Me: No, that drunk is bartending.
Dave the Bartender: You’re drunk bartending.
Me: Huh?

Lynn: You know, I’m not proud of the fact that I work as a dancer, but I am proud that I pass all my classes and stay off drugs. I mean, I haven’t taken out a loan or had a roommate my whole college career. That’s saying something, don’t you think?
Me: I’m sorry, what? I’ve been picturing you naked for the last few minutes.
Lynn: You know, you can see me nude every Wednesday, Friday and football Sunday if you like.
Me: Will you marry me?
Lynn: No.

Me: So you’ve been a stripper for three years, and through all that time, you never got one disease, did one line of cocaine or failed one class?
Lynn: That’s right.
Me: No it isn’t. It’s wrong on so many levels.
Lynn: Why?
Me: I‘ve known a lot of strippers and most of them are walking clichés that personify stupidity, addictive personalities and shoddy upbringings.
Lynn: My dad’s an Air Force Colonel.
Me: Okay, now you’re just making shit up.

Me: So why’d you break up with your boyfriend?
Lynn: In the past three months, he quit his job, flunked the only two classes he was taking and actually cried because I wouldn’t buy him a new amplifier for his guitar. But the final straw was today, when he told me that he wanted to move in with me so he could save money.
Me: He actually cried because you wouldn’t buy him something?
Lynn: Yeah. Imagine letting someone like that father your children.
Me: No.

Dave: Where the hell is the football schedule?
Me: Just calm down, man. It’s on page 6.
Dave: You’re on page 6.
Me: What?

Me: Hey, you remember meeting that chick that lives on the top floor of my building?
AJ: Oh yeah. The cute chick with the dorky boyfriend. Man, does she have a body.
Me: I just watched her breakup with her boyfriend.
AJ: Well, I hope you helped console her.
Me: Yeah, and in doing so, I found out that she’s a stripper.
AJ: How come shit like that never happens to me?

AJ: So, did you end up sleeping with her?
Me: No, but I did get twenty free passes.
AJ: You have twenty free passes to a full nude strip club?
Me: They actually work at two clubs.
AJ: Okay, you realize nothing good can come of this.
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
AJ: You have twenty free passes to a strip club—I’m sorry—to two strip clubs. It would probably be quicker to just directly inject you with syphilis.
Me: Your faith in me is amazing.
AJ: As the man says, past performance is indicative of future results.

Me: Dude, you just really pissed her off.
Dave: You just really pissed her off.
Me: No, you did.
Dave: That’s it, the owner has decided to stop giving you free beer.
Me: You just decided to stop giving me free beer.
Dave: No, you did.
Me: What?