Lisa: If you ever cheated on me, I would cut off your butt.
Me: Why would you do that?
Lisa: So you wouldn't be that cute anymore.
Me: But my butt? What? Like you think it's my best feature or something?
Lisa: It's certainly not your mouth.

Tim: Nobody likes you very much.
Me: I get that a lot.
Chip: I'll bet.

Me: Why do you keep hitting me?
Lisa: Dexter shouldn't be cheating on Rita.
Me: Baby, it's a TV show that has nothing to do with our relationship.
Lisa: We watch it all the time.
Me: But when Dexter does something you don't like, you hit me like I did something you don't like. It's wrong on so many levels because I'm innocent of wrongdoing and Dexter is a fictional character.
Lisa: Sometimes when I punch you, I am punching all the men in America.
Me: So I'm taking these hits for the team, essentially?
Lisa: Whatever gets you through the night, asshole.

Dave: So are you worried about the swine flu?
Me: No more than I worry about the depletion of the o-zone layer diluting the male population to the point where females beg for insemination in the street.
Dave: I hate talking to you.
Me: Me too, and I have to do it all the time.
Dave: I'm leaving now.

Me: Lisa promised that she'd always keep me sexually satisfied as long as I don't grow old.
Main: That's an impossible promise to keep.
Me: Yeah but I figure if I age slowly enough, maybe she won't notice.
Main: Are you high?

Me: Basically, there's a select group of people in Tampa who are willing to put up with my shit and I call those people friends.
Tim: There's a select group of people in St. Louis who put up with your shit and we too call ourselves your friends, Nate.
Me: I guess it's true what they say: "Wherever you go, there you are."
Tim: Or in your case, "Shit here he comes. Let's leave."
Me: I missed you.

Me: So Doug's getting married.
Main: I didn't know that. Did you get an invitation or something?
Me: I got CC'd on an email from some dude I don't know on the details of the bachelor party. That's how I found out.
Main: Your friend of fifteen years couldn't call you and tell you in person.
Me: He had more important shit to do.
Main: Like what?
Me: Like planning a wedding.
Main: Is that ironic?
Me: I'm not sure.

Main: I don't think anything is ironic anymore. It's like, irony is so overblown that it's prevalent in all forms of theatrically based entertainment and it's so obvious within our culture's communication that it's really impossible for it to have an effect.
Me: You mean like rain on your wedding day.
Main: I hate you.

Lisa: I'm 27 years old. I should not be suffering from a pulled groin just because I was horsing around in the pool.
Me: Well, you were jumping off my hands as I threw you. That's kind of a thing only little kids are supposed to do.
Lisa: Are you saying I'm old?
Me: No, but I'm just saying that adults shouldn't necessarily-
Lisa: If you tell me I'm old I'll kill you.
Me: I'm just saying you can't do all the stuff you did when you were twelve.
Lisa: I can too, asshole.
Me: Well, as long as you're being logical…

Lisa: Do not eat that last tart; I'll kill you.
Me: You know, you may want to limit the number of times you threaten my life in a given day. It's losing its effect.
Lisa: You're still not eating that tart.
Me: I understand.

Me: I got a text message from my friend Kevin… he says he wants new snippets for his birthday.
Danielle: Well at least you can afford that.
Me: True enough.