Beth: I don't think anyone understands how hard it is. I mean, if they haven't done it.
Dave: Are you talking about my penis?
Beth: No, Dave. When I talk about your penis, you'll be able to tell by the overwhelming look of disappointment on my face.
Dave: That's because you've never experienced the shear joy my penis can bring to the world.
Beth: And I cry myself to sleep every night because of that, Dave.
Dave: You know, it doesn't have to be this way. My penis is here for you. It cares.
Beth: Thanks, Dave. Now, can we please steer the subject away from your penis?
Me: You wanta talk about my penis?
Beth: You guys are horrible.

Me: Beth, how come you don't have your ears pierced? You're nineteen.
Beth: I'm just not the kind of gal who wants to leave this world with more holes than she entered it with.
Dave: Ah, so we finally get to the real reason why you hate my penis.
Me: Please, Dave. Hate is a strong word. She doesn't even know your penis.
Dave: Want me to introduce them?
Beth: God, no!

Dave: You see, the thing about my penis is?
Beth: Seriously, Dave. Has this line of talk ever gotten you laid?
Dave: No line of talk has ever gotten me laid. Usually, I just show the girls my penis. It's my penis that gets me laid.
Beth: Nate, where did you find this guy?
Me: He was my shrink for eleven years.
Dave: Twelve.
Beth: You are just so full of shit.
Dave: And you are so not full of my penis.
Beth: Please stop.

Beth: Does he always talk about his penis?
Me: Only when girls are around.
Beth: Why?
Me: Probably for the same reason that he lights his own farts.
Beth: And why does he light his own farts?
Me: I have no idea.

Dave: Man, that bathroom just gets worse every month. It would have really sucked being in there, you know, if I didn't get to experience the magnificence that is my penis.
Beth: I'm surprised you haven't named it.
Dave: A penis this great has only nicknames, given to it from the ladies across this land. My favorite nickname ever posed for my great penis is Rape Weasel.
Me: I think that says it all.
Beth: I'm leaving.

Me: Way to go, Dave. Another girl literally left the establishment because you wouldn't shut up about your penis.
Dave: What do you want me to talk about? Nuclear war?
Me: Sure. That would be perfectly fine.
Dave: You know, nuclear fallout can technically be caused by my penis.
Me: Shut the fuck up.