Me: How come you bouncers never smile?
Sean: Nothing tough about smiling.
Me: Do you smile on your breaks?
Sean: No.
Me: Why not?
Sean: Nothing funny about my breaks.
Me: When do you smile?
Sean: Usually when I'm fucking or eating a nice meal.
Me: Those are good reasons to smile. But there are lots of others.
Sean: Don't take this the wrong way but dude?
Me: What?
Sean: Go away.

Me: So you're traveling across the country on a motorcycle?
Aaron: Yeah. It's awesome.
Me: How're you funding this adventure?
Aaron: I had a rich aunt who died and left me a quarter million?
Me: I hate you.

Melissa: We need to find Nate a girlfriend.
Mike: You can do that if you want?
Melissa: You don't think it's a good idea?
Mike: To set that asshole up? I think it's a bona fide way to lose friends.
Me: You know I'm right here, right?
Mike: Yup.

Aaron: Dude, there's this hot chick at the bar with her ugly friend. I was talking to her and she has four kids with two daddies.
Me: Sounds like a fun chick.
Aaron: The thing is, while I was working on her, all these guys came up and surrounded her and I have no idea how to get her out of there.
Me: I got this.
Aaron: You sure?
Mike: This is what Nate does, Aaron. Don't worry about it. You just asked Michelangelo to paint by numbers. He'll be back in ten minutes.

Melissa: I think Nate and Lindsey would get along.
Mike: What? Lindsey's a sweet girl.
Melissa: Nate seems sweet.
Mike: ‘Seems' is the ideal word, honey. I've known this cat since '97. The only thing sweet about him is the sugar in his kitchen.
Me: Again Mike, this is me, right here, being insulted by you.
Mike: What you call an insult, I call a fact.
Me: People can change.
Mike: Indeed they can. But you don't.

Aaron: How'd you get those chicks to our table? What'd you do, offer them free drinks or something?
Me: Nope, I hit on the ugly one. Six guys all hitting on the hottie, so you hit on her ugly friend, then invite them over to our table to talk. Now, I'll crack some jokes in the ugly one's direction and entertain her while you work on the crazy, Cuban hottie.
Aaron: Why the fuck did that work?
Me: The hottie wants to be able to fuck without abandoning her friend. This way, the friend feels like she has a chance with me and the hottie gets off guilt-free. It's standard wing man stuff.
Aaron: Thank you, Obi Wan.
Me: My pleasure.

Me: After you beat someone up, do you smile then?
Sean: Sometimes. It depends how bad I hurt my hands.
Me: I'll bet that's an occupational hazard.
Sean: Sure is. When I started bouncing, I learned that it's smarter to just bang people off of hard surfaces than it is to break my hands on their faces.
Me: That's smart.
Sean: Oh yeah. I mean, no one's hands are as hard as a concrete floor.
Me: What about John Wayne's? He was badass.
Sean: If you're trying to make me laugh, you failed.
Me: You need to lighten up.
Sean: There's not a lot of call for laid-back bouncers, Nate.
Me: Alright, keep being a hardass.
Sean: I will. And you keep being a jackass.
Me: Hey, you made a joke.
Sean: Shh. Don't tell anyone.

Labels:

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.