God I hate spyware. It's one thing that it hijacks my computer, slows shit down, forces me to answer tricky questions like: “Would you like the Winfixer virus to eat your hard drive? Whoops did we say “virus”? We meant, umm, ‘bunnies'”?

But spyware also reveals personal stuff about you. That fetish for girls who re-enact the Passion? They know. That Google search for mail order Tongan brides? They know. And somehow, spyware has discovered that I'm single. For the past few months, I've been receiving emails from American Singles and Yahoo! Personals, two websites I've never visited, but somehow know my position with the ladies. And that bothers me, because I hate personal ads. I seriously believe anyone who signs up for a personal should be forced to wear a foil hat so we can recognize you and mock you openly.

Whatever, let's talk Red Sox.

Actually, let's not. I'll just say one thing, if you're not 27+ years old, spare me the whole, “It's just like 1978!” How do you know? Because the Sox are blowing a division lead? Teams blow divisions all the time. Furthermore, in 78, the Sox blew a 14-game division lead. The biggest division lead for the Sox? Six games. In mid-June.

Shut up.

Oh yeah, and if the Sox somehow don't make the playoffs (don't worry-they will), here are my suggestions to Theo Epstein.

Trade Millar, Olerud (to fix the first-base situation) Wells, Arroyo (to fix that pitching staff), Foulke (they need a closer) to the Mets for Pedro and Mientkiewicz (the Mets are stupid they'll do it).
Trade Renteria for Derek Lowe and a prospect. (The Dodgers are stupid, they'll do it.)
Let Damon go, sign Juan Pierre.
Fire Francoma, hire Lou Pinella.
Paplebon, Timlin, Delcarmen as setups, Hansen as closer. Hanley Ramirez at short, T-Graff at second, Mueller at 3rd (if they don't resign him, I'm moving to Miami and buying a Marlins hat). Manny, Pierre, Trot in the outfield, and $10 mil Tek behind the plate. Sign Tom Glavine. (I realize we already have a lefty past his prime, but this one's not a douchebag).

Pierre (I just rubbed one out thinking of Pierre at Fenway)
Mueller (He deserves to be here)
Manny (Why Tito flips him around with Ortiz is beyond me)
Ortiz (Your 2005 AL MVP)
Trot (just not agaiinst lefties)
Tek (unless he plans to never hit again)
T-Graff (I like this guy)
Hanley (It's time)
Youkilis or Mientkiewicz (nice platoon, Youk can get on base, Doug can play defense, Millar can't do either).

Schilling, Pedro, Glavine, Lowe, Clement

J-Gonz and Delcarmen in long relief
Timlin and Paplebon in setup
Hansen as closer.

If you don't care about this, don't read it. And yes, I'm aware this will cost the Sox more on the payroll; remind me of that when I sell a kidney for grandstand seats at a fucking Royals game.