Sarah? Hi, this is Phillip. I met you on the 106 Bus on Friday. You were telling me all about your current love situation—about your run of rotten luck and lovers, how you keep meeting the same guy and he keeps not wanting to get serious or commit and how he eventually leaves you for your best friend…You seem alone and vulnerable. I like that. I think we’re perfect for each other…

Anyways, I’m not looking for anything serious, just a casual summer thing.

Hit me up.
Phillip (202) 965-82–

Yeah, I’m looking for a guy goes by the name of Walter Freidkin. He’s about 5’8” with brown hair, black and blue eyes, a busted-up nose, and soon-to-be very pronounced limp. He spends a lot of time at Harrah’s Casino and the Belmont track. It’s very important that I find this guy.
I’ll give $200 dollars for any information on his whereabouts. Give me a call today on the Madison and 12th Street payphone at one o’clock sharp. Ask for Cutty.

Hey, what’s up, dyno-tits? I saw your scrumptious ass standing in line at Albertson’s with some complete douche bag who TOTALLY did not seem right for you.
I made eye contact with your smoking bod, and I could tell how much you liked it—so I slipped an empty condom wrapper and some chick named Kelly’s phone number into DB’s pocket. Call me if you guys broke up to “thank” me (that means sex, btw).

Rock that shit out.

Thrash Stanfield