Grissom High School Reunion TigerThe students on the planning committee for my 10-year high school reunion sent out the following email: "There are 492 of us so the more we can find, the better! Thanks again, and look out for the SAVE THE DATE cards." I have no problem with helping them track down as many of the 492 students as possible—I genuinely believe everyone should be forced to participate in awkward, post-clique high school conversations. But why do I have to "look out" for a "save the date" card? Isn't a save the date card specifically to help you look out for the actual event? Why do I have to look out for the look out? Are they asking me to save the date for the save the date cards?? If I wanted to lead a life of planning to plan, I would've turned my Army Logistics internship into a full-time government career.

Speaking of planning, please, everyone, do yourselves a favor and stop hyping up your shitty events. This includes you, guy who's having a party next weekend. Do not send me an invitation through every social networking site you've ever heard of, plus a mass text, plus a mass email, plus reminder messages through every possible alert channel within these modes of communication. I swear I've talked to people ABOUT their upcoming parties more than I've even talked to them AT the party. I think people should just go around SAYING they're going to have a party so everyone has an easy conversation starter. No one will notice if you actually follow through and HAVE the party or not, especially if you hype it up enough on every phone, computer and mouth you have (including the one coming out your ass). Just upload a bunch of pics on your Facebook profile from an old party and we'll take your word for it.

In the wake of a tragedy, why do people always remind everyone to "tell people you love them because you never know when they might be gone"? I mean, if someone's about to go, that seems like a real cop out. Say you lived your whole life and you had one shitty friend who never returned your phone calls, always ditched you at the last minute, and never picked up the bar tab. Then, all of a sudden, that one friend is overcome with guilt after attending a family member's funeral or something, so they come up to you and say, "I love you, man." That's fucked up! First of all, it means they think you're about to die, which is weird at best and criminal at worst. Second of all, if I'm about to die, there's no fucking way you're getting away with all the shit up to this point by squeezing in an apology right before I die! You owe me 50 phone calls, 10 dinners, 3 basketball games, and $200 in drinks, asshole!