Say what you will about Stoner Chick, but for a pothead bartender, she's a pretty early riser. I woke up at approximately 9:16 AM this morning. Alone. I was fresh from an evening wherein I hung out with off-duty Hooter's Girls for happy hour, then visited Stoner Chick at her bar (I was in the neighborhood), then wound up at a strip club. I woke up alone with four phone numbers, which is a little like playing the lottery and winning a free lottery ticket. I mean, the hope's still there but well, I didn't get nothing.

Then I remembered that I still owe it to my readers and myself to continue this dismal attempt at picking NFL games against the spread. Then I remembered that the only times my readers really enjoy the game pickings are when Stoner Chick's involved. Then I told myself, “you know what, I'm a writer. Maybe not a great one, but a writer nonetheless, and there's no reason I can't just fake Stoner Chick. I mean, who would know the difference?” Then I tried to write in Stoner Chick's voice and I noticed the difference. I figured that if I could figure it out, then surely you would be able to as well. You, being smarter than me almost by default at this point (my game picking record speaks for itself). So, I decided to call her and I picked up the phone.

And there were two voicemails in my phone. The first was from Fearless Editor Court Sullivan (who will eventually adopt “Fearless Editor” as his new first name by the time I'm finished here at Points in Case) wanting to know how it went with the Hooter's Girls (not well?I forgot to bring cocaine) and the second was from Stoner Chick. Here is her message verbatim (that means “in full”):

“Hey Dude, give me a call. You promised you'd take me out again if I helped you with your football pick thing. You may not remember 'cause you were drunk. But you did. So, I'm coming over.”

And then there was a knock on the door (around 9:30 AM). And here we are.

I'm putting on some coffee.

Anyway, Stoner Chick's picking the games again this week. I'm handing her the microphone (read: typing down everything she says because she types slower than shit sliding down a frozen wall) and we're drinking coffee.

(It's Don Francisco's Vanilla Nut, in case you were wondering.)

Home Teams in CAPS.

BEARS (-91/2) over Vikings
“Okay you guys, the funniest thing ever happened last night?actually, Nate's pretty cool for even typing this because it makes him look like an ass. After striking out with the Hooter's Girls at this bar Nate says I can't name, Nate came over to my bar. He was still in his work clothes, which make him look deceptively innocent. I left him alone (drinking free Long Island Ice Teas) while he worked on some cute little business-ey looking girls. Nate was getting all animated and smiling a bunch and the girls were laughing a lot so I figured everything was going peachy. A little while later, when I made my way into his section, I saw him sitting alone so I asked him what happened to the girls and Nate said that they left because they felt insulted when he invited them to go to a strip club later. He has one of those girls' phone numbers. I told him that he has to call that girl just so he can tell me what happens. He's considering it, but I think we may have to work out an exchange.

“Oh, and I think Grossman's gonna get his shit together this week.

“But seriously what kind of guy invites girls he just met that night to a strip club? I mean, that's like fourth date at the earliest.”

Bucs (+7) over STEELERS
“I am so happy that the Bucs played the late afternoon game on Thanksgiving. My father, brother and me were too exhausted and drunk to care how much we sucked that game.”

RAMS (-61/2) over Cardinals
“In a perfect world, Tom Brady and Matt Leinart would be forced to pose nude. And I know Leinart's a slut, but name me one single NFL player who's not? Leinart's allowed to be a slut. He's young, hot, single and rich.”

Colts (-71/2) over TITANS
“I watch Sports Center with my dad a lot and I've been hearing a lot about the Titans and Vince Young on that show. When a team starts getting a lot of positive Sports Center shows, they usually lose the next game.”

DOLPHINS (PK) over Jaguars
“I want to tell all you girls this: if you ever come down to Florida, go on a Dolphin Cruise. Basically, a Dolphin Cruise is a bunch of people on a boat that goes out into the ocean and finds dolphins and you get to watch them play and hunt and stuff. They even have these romantic, sunset cruises where you get a bottle of wine and you watch the sun set over the water while the dolphins are playing. It's the cutest thing ever. Girls, you'll love it.”

And guys (sorry to interrupt and all that), you will get laid. The Dolphin Cruise never fails.

SAINTS (-7) over 49ers
“Nate went to a strip club by himself last night. What a loser.”

Sorry to interrupt again, but I did get two strippers' phone numbers and a free lap dance, so there.

Yeah, I know, I'm a loser.

Falcons (-2) over REDSKINS
“I asked Nate if anyone besides Michael Vick had ever flipped off the crowd before and he went on some long ass boring story about how the Cardinals got some guy named Ozzie because their shortstop had flicked off the crowd after not running hard enough or something. God, baseball is the most boring sport ever.”

She's just trying to piss me off, now. I honestly think she's on the rag.

BROWNS (+4) over Chiefs
“I'm not on the rag. I just like picking on Nate. And by the way, he's such a geek that every time he talks about the Cardinals, he calls them ‘The World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals.' It annoys just about everybody.”

PATRIOTS (-131/2) over Lions
“I think we're gonna see a diverse display of run schemes from the Patriots this week. They just got this new grass put in on their field. I'll bet they've been trying it out all week and are just giddy that no one else has ever played on it.”

BILLS (+6) over Chargers
“Take it from someone who was born and raised in Florida and just saw snow for the first time a couple of years ago. People who don't get much cold don't do well in it.”

Jets (-3) over PACKERS
“The other day my dad told me that he wished he never had to hear about Brett Favre again. I thought maybe Brett had been arrested or something so I asked my dad what was up and he just said that he was sick of hearing about him. Dad even called him washed up. So I'm going with the Jets.”

Cowboys (-31/2) over GIANTS
“Nate just showed me Drew Bledsoe's blog, and I laughed for like twenty minutes. I read Nate's stuff all the time now and I have to admit that Drew Bledsoe's blog is way funnier than any of Nate's stuff.”

Seriously, is this weekend sponsored by Girls Making me Look Bad, or what?

RAIDERS (-3) over Texans
“I think the Texans are just like waiting for the season to end. I don't think they care any more. I used to always pick them but now that just seems silly.”

BRONCOS (-4) over Seahawks
“The Broncos are starting a rookie QB from some school called Vanderbilt. I'm a huge fan of the rookie QB story. I hope he does well.”

Panthers (-3) over EAGLES
“I work with a guy who's an Eagles fan. Because I'm a Bucs fan, sometimes, late at night after close, we sit and cry about our teams together. He seems really sad and I wish I could make him feel better but sad guys are just so desperate and that's not attractive.”

There you go, guys. I hope you enjoyed another visit from Stoner Chick. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take her to brunch where hopefully she will get carded so I don't have to buy thirty bucks worth of Mimosas.

Last Week (counting Thursday's game): 5-9-2
Overall Record: 77-90-9

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