Dear My Congressman:

Hello, Mr. (or maybe Mrs.) Congressman.  My name is Nathan.  And I live in your district.  I'm sorry I don't know you by name but the thing is, just looking at you people gives me the willies something fierce so I never bothered to look you up.  Y'all are like personal injury lawyers but with less scruples and no souls.  Except for Ron Paul.

You ever met him?  He seems really badass for an old dude. 

Anyway, I am writing today about your proposed 700 billion dollar bailout.  I've been studying the economy a little and I read over your proposed bailout package and I just have one question.

Who in the hell do you think y'all fooling?

Seriously, the bulk of this proposal hinges on the United States Treasury purchasing over 700 billion dollars worth of shitty collateral debt obligations (CDOs) at more than what they are worth. 

But you don't know what they're worth (step one of your plan, apparently, is figuring out what the securities we're purchasing are worth.  Apparently step 2 is shrugging your shoulders and step 3 is profit).    

I can tell you, however, that whatever they are worth, you will use our dollars to pay too much for them.  Because you see, if these securities were actually sold at their face value (which, I remind you, is still yet to be determined), the banks that have them up for sale would most likely go bankrupt.  That's why we're here in the first place.  That is precisely why the banks need help.  So, it seems to me, that you're essentially over-paying for securities so you can buy chunks of banks.  Which, not for nothing, seems rather evil and anti-capitalist.  But I digress. 

Now, it seems to me that if the American taxpayers are gonna waste their money buying crap, the least you could do is offer us the good crap.  I mean, why not let us purchase preferred bank stock at the current market rate?  If the American people had preferred stock with voting shares, then we could appoint people to the boards of the companies we are saving.  Instead, you're using our money to buy warrants (basically a chance to exercise an option) on non-preferred, non-voting stock (and you're buying it for more than the market rate).  Most people don't know this (I'm sure that you were banking on that, by the way) but warrants don't have to be exercised.  In other words, the American people could easily get no return on their "investment" when you just give the warrants back to the same banks with whom you sleep.    

You sir (or ma'am) are buying bad debt on credit.  This is like taking out a ten percent loan to purchase my maxed out credit card in the dumbass hope that I will have it all paid off a year or two later.  This is the single-most stupid waste of my money that I have ever seen and I regularly visit strip clubs. 

You are lying to the American people while you bail out the rich.  You are sending a message to the fiscally responsible and that message is, "Ha ha ha.  Dumbasses!" 

You are sending a message to the fiscally irresponsible and that message is, "Thanks for shooting yourselves in the foot, assholes.  You've allowed us to expand power over the money supply and help widen the gap between the rich and the poor." 

Now, Congress-douche, I have heard two lousy arguments for why we should be wasting our money to bailout these speculators. 

First, I heard that if we don't bail out these investors, then banks will not have enough credit to loan money to the American people.  So, basically, the American people would not be able to afford to take loans out so they could improve their businesses, buy cars, houses, etc.  Well, what would happen to the prices of these assets if loans were more stringent?  They would fall with demand. 

And, since nothing is built in America and we receive almost all our products from overseas, this would mean a drastic reduction in the price of… well every non perishable good Americans can buy.  Such a price reduction would encourage global competition and possibly make it so that it would be worth it to manufacture in this here country, which would increase the independence and financial strength of each and every American. 

Sure, in the short term, such unavailable credit would hurt.  And hurt bad.  But in the long run, America would vastly improve its position as exporter and manufacturer.  Of course, you don't want that.  You work for the banks, after all. 

Second, I heard that if we don't bail out these investors, then banks will not trust each other enough to loan to each other, causing a collapse in the global banking system.  To this I say, fuck the global banking system.  Why should I care if a business in Australia has to pay a dime more per every ten bucks it borrows because my government isn't kicking off the T-bills like it used to? 

The thing here is, without propped up credit markets, the decrease in global demand would cause a decrease in profits for every company in the world.  From oil refiners to fertilizer salesmen to loan writers to the dudes who make those little flags they put in cupcakes on the Fourth of July.  These businesses may crash, they would definitely lay people off and life would suck for a little while.  But prices would still fall.  Opportunity would arise.  And a free market system would find a way to lend.  Instead of learning to make more mistakes, we would learn from our mistakes and become stronger of character. 

Mr. or Mrs. Congressman, if you gave a damn about the American people, you would be looking out for them.  And if you were looking out for them, you would take that 700 billion dollars of our money and buy something that will actually appreciate in value, like gold or Google stock.  You are throwing my money away and lying to me, not only about why you are doing it, but about how you are doing it. 

In short, whoever you are, if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.  You are either with the banks or you are with us.  And if you vote for the bailouts, you are not with us. 

I'd trust you to do the right thing, but this ain't my first rodeo, hoss. 

See you in hell,

Nathan DeGraaf.

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