Facebook ConfidentialHello. You may not know me, but I'm a concerned online citizen just like you. There has been much talk in the past week about the new set of privacy controls on Facebook, and I thought what better forum to discuss this than a public post on the internet. See how there is no way for me to prevent you from reading this? Well that is exactly what Facebook would like to do with ALL your information.

Up to this point, I'll admit, Facebook was a pretty kick ass website. It took me a while to get into it, but once I did, it was pretty much my primary online identity. But OH HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A FLASH.

Facebook has finally decided to expose all your information for their own gain, selling you out as the digital shill you are. Why would they do this? Perhaps they're worried about the other social networks all approaching 1 billion users too. In today's open and connected cyber world, all it takes is one super geek willing to drop out of high school and set up a server in his dad's basement to strike fear into the hearts of the Goliaths of the internet. You're no David (unless you're name is David, in which case you're no hero), but Facebook doesn't know that. That is why they'll go to great lengths to keep you from getting too close.

Here is a brief summary of the changes Facebook has made so far behind your back:

  • Every single photo you've untagged yourself from is now visible again.
  • Everyone you've ever blocked now has access to your profile.
  • Every relationship status change is conveniently timelined and accompanied by a happy or sad picture of the two of you.
  • Two permanent tags have been assigned to help the public browse your photos: "Drinking" and "Drugs."
  • All delete buttons now require an RFID password to be used (RFID keychains to be distributed in early 2011).
  • Friend lists now include a heart on the thumbnails of friends you've hooked up with, and a sad smiley on those you've cheated on.
  • Every day five of your friends will be chosen at random to have unlimited access to your inbox for 24 hours.
  • Your Wall will come crashing down at some point, for loose metaphorical significance.
  • Friends on your Friend List will now be ranked by how many times you've visited their profile.
  • Your Personal Information will be automatically updated with one overtly sexual reference at some point in the next nine months.
  • Your parents will receive an email with your password in jumbled form. It's only a matter of time…

And rest assured Google is hard at work right now indexing all of these changes and highlighting only the most embarrassing ones on a search for your name. (If you have a common name, Google will now outsource searches for you to a local PI.)

So, how do you feel about your favorite little website now? Come on, you knew this was coming. That little twirp Mark is too young to give a shit about you and your "privacy." It's just him in his billion dollar Silicon Valley voyeur lair from here on out. He might come out, but he's too busy masturbating to every hot chick's drunk sex emails and rejected nude photos.

Oh, how do I know all this stuff? Like I said, I'm just a concerned online citizen who yearns for the good ol' days of the beautiful mess of colorful profiles, silly fonts, 20 music videos at a time all rocking my face, and backgrounds that could drive a person to epilepsy.

OKAY FINE, IT'S FUCKING ME, TOM. LOG ON TO YOUR MYSPACE PROFILE??? PLEASE?