Both weekends of NFL playoffs thus far have featured two good games.  And both of them were the last games on the docket.  Which means that if you watched those games, you should have been more sober.  Seriously, you would have enjoyed the games more.  Lush.

Things That Make Me an Awesome Boyfriend Number 13: I pick up the tab.  Things That Make My Girlfriend Feel Insecure and Worth Less Than Me Number 6: I pick up the tab.  There's got to be some kind of balance here.  But I ain't looking for it until I run out of cash. 

I'm yelling at inanimate objects way too much for my liking.  But what weirds me out about my yelling at inanimate objects is that I only do it when I'm alone.  Which means, I guess, that no one really gets hurt.  And that's more than I can say for most of my yelling, which tends to cause crying and/or fists flying. 

Yes, I know that last line rhymed. 

What do you call it when a whole bunch of people go to pay a confusing restaurant tab and are thus forced to whip out calculators and write long division on napkins?  A stimulus bill.  Get it?  ‘Cause their minds are stimulated—  Whatever.  You suck. 

I don't care with whom Tiger Woods copulates.  That's his (rather expensive) business. 

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, then I'm a damn idiot and really should focus more. 

My friend Dan appeared in his television debut.  Our friend Nick threw a little Shin Dig so we could all sit and watch the show (Criminal Minds) without doing any digging or using our shins extensively.  It's a trip seeing your friend appear in character on a television show.  But it's an even bigger trip to see him crying on a television show.  I was all like, "That pansy."  And everyone was like, "He's not a pansy.  His character is a pansy."  So I'll just come out and say it: My friend Dan plays one hell of a pansy.  That's gotta count for something.  At least in Hollywood. 

How come we never see a television piece or a magazine article that exposes the good side of heroin consumption?  I mean, do you think Charlie Parker could have done all that sober?  One day, and I hope it's soon, someone should give Opium its due.  I know Edgar Allan Poe and Jimi Hendrix would be all for it.  If they weren't dead. 

Six hours after Dan appeared in his television debut, his step-dad passed away in his sleep.  I don't have a joke here but I do think it's odd that one of his last memories was seeing Dan cry like a little girl… 

And finally, because logic and fluidity have to pretend like they really enjoy that beef stroganoff, I leave you with the following, which a female bartender once told me:

"You seem nice.  That scares me.  Once a cute guy seems nice, I'm one hundred percent sure he's a creep.  Be more of a dick.  You look like a dick.  You might as well act like it."

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