The other day I saw a half-drunk bum with one of those pull-behind suitcases that have the extendable handle and the wheels on the bottom and I got to thinking, “We're getting so lazy in this country.”

Some huge past-his-prime European soccer star recently arrived in Los Angeles, where he will join the long list of past-their-prime soccer stars that failed to get this country even remotely interested in soccer. And that got me thinking, why is it that Americans have no interest in a sport that is so beloved by most of the residents of Europe, where a good chunk of Americans originally hail from? And then I realized that I don't care. And that made me feel better.

I've been thinking about the phrase, “pre-owned.” It seems to me that everything has been owned by someone else at one point in time. Even if you buy a brand new car, it had to have been owned by the company that sold it to you. Pre-owned is a stupid term.

Recently, a vegetarian I know told me that eating meat is bad for the environment because it encourages the raising of livestock. So, in case you were curious, animals are now bad for the environment. Who knew?

Twelve years ago, after being diagnosed with a mental disorder, I took myself off of medication and haven't taken so much as a Tylenol since. And I'm completely and totally fine. People never asked me how I did it, though, because they think I'm crazy. But I don't worry about that because I'll get them. You hear me? They will all pay.

I met a chick a while back who told me that ugly people are that way because of weak genes and that attractiveness is an indicator of strength. Ordinarily, when someone says something that stupid, I argue with them. But well, this chick was really hot. So I just went along with it.

I was reading a George Carlin book the other day, and I actually found a joke that infamous PIC plagiarist Chad Chamley had ripped off word for word. The resulting thought process went like this: “Hey, where have I read that before? Oh yeah, Chad Chamley wrote it. Wait a minute. George Carlin must have written it first. Chamley must have plagiarized it. Oh yeah. He was a plagiarist. That's what they do.”

The last chick I slept with was so hot, I kind of hope I knocked her up. Just so I'll have an excuse to see her more often.

The Philadelphia Phillies recently lost their ten thousandth game, making them the losingest team in baseball history. And yet, Cubs fans are probably still jealous. Go figure.

And finally, because logic and fluidity need to go luggage shopping, I leave you with the following, which was told to me by an angry, drunk woman:

“You men are all such jerks. You need to be more naked.”

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