Today, I went to the grocery store and purchased a five piece chicken meal and a two liter of grape soda. The check out person happened to be a black female. She took one look at the meal, then glanced up at me, then looked back at the meal, then back at me again. Then she laughed and said, “What, no corn bread?” And I honestly have no idea what to make of the whole exchange. I mean, she left me speechless. What would you do in that situation? Would you laugh? Would you do your best Jimmy Walker impression and say, “Corn bread ain't dyn-o-mite!”? I mean seriously, what's the right response there? And yes, this has been bothering me for about an hour. I really need to get my brain rewired. I don't think I'm cut out for this day and age.

I don't think any moment really straddles the line between hilarious and awful quite like picking a friend up from jail. I mean, on one end you get to make fun of him for being a total tool and on the other, you just dropped a lot of money and your friend is in a lot of trouble. Still, it's always better to see jail from an outsiders' perspective. Yet it sucks to have to go. I can't think of another moment that sucks as much as it makes me laugh. And I've been trying.

People I would hit with a shovel if I lived in a world with no rules:

1. The annoying Boston Red Sox fan who complains about how annoying Yankee fans are (it's like, would you rather hear some cocky asshole go off about how great his team is or would you rather hear some whiny bitch complain about a cocky asshole? I vote for the former. Arrogance is a lot more becoming than whining).

2. The clueless drunk guy at the bar who can't complete a sentence yet constantly wants my opinion on things he can't comprehend (like the middle east).

3. The smoking hot chick who tells me, after I watch her suck down five shots and smoke about ten cigarettes in an hour at the bar, that she's very spiritual and will help me find God.

4. Everyone who ever popped their fucking collar besides my buddy Chase who does it for comedic effect or the select few laborers who do it to keep the sun off the back of their necks.

5. Child molesters.

6. All the people who honestly believe that I want to hear about their fantasy teams.

7. George W. Bush.

I love how disappointed weather people get when a hurricane switches course and doesn't hit land. It's like some kind of ultimate, reverse schadenfreude for me when I get to get to laugh at them and say, “Ha ha. No one lost their homes. Losers!” And yes, I came up with that when I was thinking about the moments that are as funny as they are shitty.

And finally, because logic and fluidity need to get to work on my upcoming pubic hair column, I leave you with the following, which I overheard a married woman say Saturday night:

“Really, you should get married. Everyone should have to feel my pain.”


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