I recently found out that I need glasses. Apparently my right eye is all, “I'm pretty sure this is where reality is,” and my left eye is like, “Nope, it's totally over here,” and so actually I see double except my brain is really big on teamwork and likes to make everyone get along, so it sort of combines the two, except instead of that working like it would for a normal person to create one seamless image, everything in my peripheral vision shifts location as I move my head. In other words, I walk into stuff a lot. I have yet to manage to explain that in a way that a person with normal vision can comprehend, but basically my vision is more exciting than your vision, and would probably make you feel nauseated.

Your inability to handle my literal worldview aside, I have glasses now. I suppose my final descent into nerd-dom is complete. I really don't understand how they work. I get that they come with a TI-89, a mental list of Lord of the Rings quotes, and severe social anxiety, but I already had those, and I thought glasses were also supposed to make me way smarter but they totally haven't, which is obvious because I still like to pepper my sentences with the word totally.

I also don't understand what exactly I'm supposed to do if it's raining. It's not like they have little windshield wipers attached. For now I just let my ADD take over and watch the water run down them. It makes it kind of hard not to walk into things, but that's okay since I did that without glasses anyway. I also don't understand why no one has invented a glasses case that can close gently, instead of snapping shut and startling me no matter how many times I've closed it before. Also for something supposedly prescribed to improve my vision, it's amazing how much of my vision the stupid frames block. In order to cross a street now I have to completely turn my head to look both ways, and that's way too much effort so I kind of just amble into the road now and hope for the best.

The best part, of course, is that glasses seem to be some sort of magical creeper deterrent. Actually not just creeper deterrent, but general guy deterrent. My university is half populated by guys who think that longboarding to class is some sort of extreme, full-contact sport, and half who are convinced that getting into a top tier fraternity is the highest achievement they can possibly attain. To be fair, the latter half are probably correct. Either way, unlike “unconscious,” “nerdy” is not high on their list of attractive qualities in women. Normally I'm not that mean to the frat guys but I almost got run over by one on my way home today, presumably because I was wearing my glasses and ugly girls are invisible to them. Coincidentally, if you use your entire front lawn as a driveway it's very difficult to predict where exactly I need to be in order to not be in your way.

It's really weird when you're told that the way you've seen everything for the last 20 years was somehow wrong. It's even weirder when you put on glasses for the first time and visually everything makes way more sense. I was really jumpy the first few weeks that I wore them, because nothing was moving. It just seemed so wrong, like if everything in my peripheral vision isn't constantly excited and jumping up and down, it's probably lying in wait to pounce and attack, and in a fight between me and the walls of my apartment, I'm fairly certain the walls would win.